Ok, I've reached my "limit" in the amount of time we've been ttc!! 10 yrs is long enough!!! We're selfish and greedy and want a child!!!! I don't want to "try" any longer. I don't want to "fight" so hard for my family any more. I don't want to pee on any more sticks!! I just want to be a mom!!!!! Yet even when I start feeling like this (which has been more and more lately), I remember this quote:
"It's hard to wait around for something that you know might not happen....but it's even harder to give up , when it's everything you've ever wanted!!"
I don't know how to stop ....even though I'm tired of it, I don't know how to stop. Sure this may sound like a pity party and in part it is but I think eventually we all get tired of trying. Having a family shouldn't be this hard! It shouldn't hurt so bad. It shouldn't take forever to share the love we have built up inside.
I hear of friends having babies- one has even had 3, yes 3, in the time that we have been trying. Add that to a few nieces and nephews that weren't even thought of when we first started trying and the pain just intensifies. I try so hard to be genuinely happy for them, but inside I feel like I'm dying and a piece of me is breaking yet again. It's not right for me to feel this way. It's not right for me to be angry with them because they have a family, yet I can't help it.
When I hear for other people in my IF world becoming pregnant after a long battle, I do feel happy and excited for them and try to believe in my hope and faith that we too will get our miracle baby. Somehow, in some insane reasoning, I am not as hurt by those that become pregnant in my IF world as I am by those it comes naturally to.
Maybe I should go to Disney, after all that is where they say dreams come true. I mean writing to Santa, praying on shooting stars and wishing on pennies hasn't gotten me any closer....maybe Disney would.
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