Is Adoption an Option.....

…. that seems to be the question I keep asking myself more and more lately.  If you’ve been following my blog you know by now our struggles over the past 10 yrs to create our family.  Although we have been unsuccessful in the baby area, our family has increased by 2 dachshunds that are our world right now.  Even still, they in no way compare to the need I feel to become a momma.  In September I turned 33 and had decided then that the age of 35 as our deadline to conceive naturally.  Circumstances beyond our control have since changed that and we now only have 15 months from today to have a natural birth.  15 months for many may seem like plenty of time to achieve such a goal however in our journey we have already done 120 months with a negative pregnancy test monthly. 

10 years… when thinking about it in retrospect many things have come and gone in 10 years.  The internet boomed; MySpace, Facebook and Twitter were created; we have become aunt and uncle to 2 of our 3 siblings’ 3 children; several cousins have 1, 2 and some 3 kids; 2 different presidents have been in office; 9-11 happened; the space center stopped sending shuttles……the list is as much personal as public and endless.  I’ve also started thinking of my life in thirds….I spent the first 10 years of my life as a child playing with baby dolls and Barbie dolls.  I spent the next 10 years of my life telling my mother I was going to adopt because I was afraid of the pain of childbirth.  And I’ve spent the last 10 years of my life begging God to forgive me for such a statement and bless me with a family.

So now I sit and wonder if adopting a child is really so different then birthing a child when both lead you to receive your miracle? I know I would miss out on feeling a child growing inside of me, hearing the heartbeat, feeling the kicks, going thru morning sickness, outgrowing all my clothes for a good reason, midnight cravings……but can I give that all up and be content to just be handed the baby of our dreams?!  I believe that God has a path set for each of us and that our babies are already planned. Sometimes we get to have the “perfect path” and sometimes we have to take the “non-direct path” and I keep reminding myself that the end result of a healthy family is all that we truly long for.  Maybe God’s plan for me in life was to go thru all of this pain, all of this suffering so I could truly be grateful and appreciative of the gift He has set in store for me.  Maybe I am supposed to be an angel on earth to a child that nobody wanted, that nobody could care for. 

It is so hard to not sit here and question why- Why me? Why us? I really try not to throw pity parties for myself because I know as much as this pain is killing me inside, I am not alone.  Sadly there are others that have been through this and are going through it now.  Sadly we have not been the only ones trying so long for their miracles.  And sadly, it will continue long after us.  Yet inside I know that I will not be complete until I become a momma.  So again I am back to the question, is adoption an option for us?  Can I love a child that didn’t come from my flesh as much as one that would have?  Can I hold a child in my arms and feel the love come to life that I have felt so deeply inside for all these years?  Some days I think the answer to all these questions is yes but other days I find my desires to be selfish and to want all the joys that come with being pregnant.