TTC: What nobody told you about "Trying To Conceive"

These are not all my own thoughts nor do they even all apply to me, but most of this applies to my life now.  This was shared a few years ago on a website and has been added to by woman all over fighting the emotional rollercoaster of living with infertility. It is long but if you are TTC or if you are a friend/family member of someone TTC- please read.  It may help you understand what we go thru and feel daily.  Some may make you smile, laugh, even cry but mostly I hope it makes you realize that you are not alone in this struggle- sadly there are too many of us that know how you feel.

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That unprotected sex doesn't necessarily lead to pregnancy.
That your sex life would start to resemble a science experiment.
That you would see your OBGYN/RE more often than your DH at O time.
That the longer you TTC, the more PG women spring up around you.
That deep down inside, I can be a very jealous person.
That one day you wouldn't mind checking your CM or CP to see if it is your fertile period.
That I should have gone to medical school like my mom wanted, because I've had to do so much medical research by now just to figure out what was wrong with me, I might as well be an M.D.
That I would know more about the female reproductive system and menstrual cycle than most of the doctors I go to.
That living your life in 2 week increments would be the normal
That you never knew how much you wanted to see those 2 pink lines......until only one shows up every month
That simply relaxing will NOT get you pregnant
That you have no control over some of the goals you set
That wishing really hard for something doesn't make it happen, and staring at your chart doesn't make it change!
That one day my DH (dear husband) would know so much about how my uterus functions and what it looks like from the inside
That a pregnancy doesn't always equal a baby!!!
That miscarriage is so common
That I would wish we had started TTC earlier
That my friends' pregnancies would start to make me sad instead of happy
That I wasted ALOT of money on Birth control pills!!
That it would help bring a group of wonderful, caring, funny, empathetic women together like this
That I would EVER be willing to stick a little blue pill up my hoo-haa (estrace pill...done vaginally),
That I'd EVER be willing to stab myself in the stomach or @ss every day in the hopes that it will help get me PG.
That it wouldn't happen the first time you didn't use birth control like we were led to believe in school.
That you wouldn't know how important a baby was to you until it took so long and you realized what you were willing to go through to make it happen.
That family would act like getting pregnant was a competition between all the young couples in the family, and the first one to get pg "wins".
That my DH is the most wonderful and caring man!
That it is insensitive to ask people when they are having a baby!
That women who do get pregnant are so very blessed!
That I could have been rich saving money on condoms, which were obviously unecessary.
That I would be happy to see abundant cervial fluid and tell my DH about it.
That other people's "good news" of pregnancy makes me sad and when they tell me they have good news, I hope that they just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to Geico.
That medicine and procedures are not a sure fire way to get pregnant but it is a sure fire way to lose money fast.
That had I bought stock in Clearblue Easy I'd have my mansion on St. Pete's Beach in FL by now.
That docs should prescribe Zoloft with Clomid or Femara
That having flo show up makes you cry, no matter whose bathroom you are in.
That it does not get easier, each cycle is harder than the last.
That you feel like you wish your life away in 2 week increments.
That I wouldn't want to hold or see someone's baby because it just hurts way too much.
That a group of "strangers" who I will probably never meet, have now become my "best friends" when it comes to ttc!!!
That I would splash urine on my face while taking apart an hpt in the hopes there really was a 2nd pink line hiding in it.
That talking about sex with fellow TTCers would be so easy.
That infertility is more common than you think.
That DH would get used to doing his 'thing' in a jar.
That one day all of this will make us stronger.
That there is sometimes darkness (infertility) before the light (a baby).
That barely anyone I know (in my non IF life) would have any understanding as to how I feel.
That my temper and patience are much shorter than I ever thought.
That infertility is not as rare as I was led to believe.
That I would find it extremely difficult to be happy for other people's pregnancies and I would burst into tears upon hearing their news.
That my faith in God would be tested heavily.
That I would make so many new, wonderful friends who totally get how I feel because we all suffer from the same affliction of infertility.
That it could hurt so much to lose your innocence.
That I am very bitter towards unmarried accidental pregnacies and slightly bitter towards married accidental pregnacies.
That there is nothing to aid conception in the water at work despite what some may say.
That someone I thought to be my friend would hurt me by saying that she was sick of hearing about my efforts at ttc.
That I'd discover who my true friends are- both on and off line.
That I'd ever be able to bond with my sister-in-law (insert family member here) who is also infertile.
That I'd be glad to know that I have PCOS because at least I know what's wrong.
That I would know about other peoples BD, CP, CM but not their DH's name or their occupation.
That I could spend so much time and money on figuring out what my body is doing (or not doing).
That I would have to rely on doctors to give me the final say-so on what I can or can't do (on a med/procedure break forced by my RE against my wishes)
That foreplay would consist of DH asking "How's your cervix today"
That an HSG will tell you more than just whether or not your tubes are blocked. (Bet you didn't know your uterus could be misshaped or tilted)
That one person could be "cursed" with so many different fertility problems.
That I should have become a gyno-which I think at this point I know more then some.
That some people just say the wrong things.
That a simple blood test costs $648!
That sex would ever become a chore!
That actually having a miscarriage would allow me to understand the loss that others have felt.
That miscarriage would make me want a baby even more than before!
That I would resent someone who has been trying less time than me telling me "I know how you feel..."
That DH would be overly concerned that our BD positions were the most effective ones!
That I would become NUMB to the wonderful world around me that I already have (DH, DD, family, friends, dogs, fun, etc)!
That I would become addicted to POAS and not sleep at night because I couldn't wait to POAS in the morning!
That I would be so sad, embarrassed or ashamed.
That I would learn to speak in code
(Like I checked Cm which was EWCM but when I will POAS who knows, dh won't let me for fear of BFN)
That when AF showed up you would feel broken and disfunctional.
That your friendships with your real life girlfriends would suffer because they got pregnant after being off the pill for 3 weeks.
That this would be by far one of the hardest things you will ever have to go through.
That you HAVE to have sex even though you don't feel like it but because your FM says high or peak.
That people would pity you and feel sorry for you.
That I would meet such wonderful group of people that I can share my sorrow, frustration and fears with.
That I would dream about taking my temperature and be disappointed if I woke up at 3am and it wasn't time yet.
That I would stop fantasizing about having a baby because it stopped making me happy.
That I would buy herbs and otc creams like vitex and progest, use them for two days and then chicken out.
That I would hear well-meaning questions like: "Have you thought of adopting or foster care?" 
That my brother, who started TTC at the same time we did and whose wife got PG three months later, would go on and on telling me how tough and tiring life with a baby is and then finish with: "You have no idea what it's like!"
That the two little words of "just relax" uttered by everyone I know would infuriate me beyond belief.
That someone would suggest adoption to me in order to get pregnant (because it happened to a friend of theirs) before I had even had any testing done.
That we would have to schedule a BD session so DH could do it in a cup a few days later.
That my friends who started TTC around the same time we did would already be pregnant with 2 before we get pregnant with 1.
That I wouldn't be able to attend my friend's babies 1st birthday parties because of the quesiton, "So, when are ya'll going to have children."
That the people around me would become more insensitive as time goes on. "It is so hard having a new baby, you just wouldn't understand." or "Be happy you're not tied down."
That I would watch a Baby Story every day... only to cry every day.
That it puts this much strain on a marriage!!!
That I spent years trying not to get pregnant and praying for my period. Now I can't seem to lose the witch!
That it's good to know I am not alone.
That I would have to listen to people complain about their children as if they were burdens while a child is the one thing in the world I want the most.
That being overweight would cause people to ask when I'm due, which in turn could cause me to cry.
That I would yell at commercials on the TV (that "having a baby changes everything" one really gets to me. I can't watch it without snapping "So does not having one.")
That I would have to stop watching Birth Day and A Baby Story (two shows I love) because it just hurts too much.
That every girl should go to the gyn as soon as she gets AF the first time. If I had, I would have been dx with PCOS a lot faster.
That a friend would hide and ignore her own pregnancy to try to keep me from being upset.
That sex does NOT ALWAYS equal pregnancy every time
That your body has its own mind.
That you would be keeping it a secret from everyone.
That you would cry your eyeballs out b/c AF showed.
That you would be jealous when everyone around you get pg including your 16yo cousin.
That you would tell everyone you're not ready for a child when they ask what your waiting for.
That life as you know it will be interrupted for two weeks.
That the broken heart you feel each month that is equal to the pain you feel when you lose a loved one.
That you feel useless as a female and wife
That you will soon be lying through your teeth telling people that you don't want children
That you feel that your body has betrayed you by not delivering a regular cycle, the right amout of the required "hormones" or doing what it should now how to do.
That you feel stupid and naive for thinking a pregnancy would occur "when it was supposed to".
That answering questions (and usually lying) about pregnancy or family plans would hurt so bad.
That having the RE and other patients in the waiting room telling me "You're young, don't worry your pregnancy is just around the corner" would infuriate me to no end!!!
That looking at my 4 month old nephew would make me want run away in tears on Christmas eve.
That it would take so darn long, 10 years this month.
That I would notice how everyone around me doesn't take care of their own kids!
That I would start to think I would be the best Mom ever because it took so long to get pregnant and I would appreciate a baby more!
That I would get so irritated with my sister in law complaining about her morning sickness that I would cry when I left her house!
That I'm starting to come to terms with that nagging feeling that I could never get pregnant might actually be coming true.
That people constantly asking when you're going to start a family makes you feel sad, but what really hurts is when everybody stops asking.
That being sexually responsible at a young age and doing as my parents asked (waiting until marriage) would only please them and haunt me later.
That being on Depo for 4 years was a bad idea if I ever wanted to have children later. (I only found out after I had been on it for so long)
That 10 yrs of TTC would lead to watching my husbands and my nephew turn 9, neice turn 8 and a sister who has twins age 13 and a baby who is 3. 
That she kept the fact she was pregnant from me so that she wouldn't upset me.
That I secretly prayed it was a girl when asked if I wanted to know the sex so that I could at least have the shot of being the first to have a boy in the family.
That after 10 yrs of TTC, charting every move, taking numberous pills daily, 6 surgeries, stress, trying to "relax", depression, emotional ups and downs, wondering what I did to deserve this when my entire family around me is having kids, being tired every day, trying not to cry over every news story regarding another baby being hurt-only leaves you in the same spot you started, just 10 yrs older and with a whole bunch more heartache and a whole lot of fallen tears.

What Nobody ever told me:
That I would be seriously staring a childless future in the face at the tender age of 24, without any explanation.
That I would sit in front of a computer screen sobbing my eyes out because the tale of someone else's pregnancy loss strikes such a chord.
That hope is a potent drug. Every so often you get a hit and that's all that keeps you going sometimes.
That I would end up this strong.
That the price I'd have to pay for all this 'personal growth' was three lost babies.
That I would secretly start to feel guilty that DH married me, instead of someone who doesn't need hundreds of dollars of pills every month.

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My hope in sharing this is two-fold.
#1: I hope it sheds some light on a small part of what we feel in this world
#2: I hope that if you are unfortunately part of this world, that you realize you are not alone!! 

I'm 3651 days ttc and craving motherhood!!

"I'm 3651 days ttc and craving motherhood!! My name is Candi and I am infertile!! I have PCOS, endometriosis, a tipped uterus, only ovulate with assistance of Femara, have had 6 surgeries, numerous office procedures and have an empty hole in my heart and hands. Forward this to 10 of your friends and see if they find it funny enough to pass along".  Oh wait, it's not funny?!  Well why not??  Maybe if I attached a more publicly known disease to the title I would get it passed around quicker. 

I have received the recent Facebook game at least 4 times.  You know the one that I'm talking about: "I'm (your birth month) weeks and I'm craving (food that matches your birth date)".  And someone somehow actually decided that linking this to Breast Cancer was going to raise awareness.  I bet this someone didn't realize that what they were actually going to do was raise anger in those of us who are infertile. 

Is it not bad enough we are reminded daily that we are motherless or for some of us that we can't give our child we were blessed with a sibling but now we have to receive emails about a game that will help Breast Cancer and trick the readers?  I would like to think that the person that came up with this game had no idea the results they would have by having woman everywhere start faking pregnancy.  I am sure they thought it was funny and they would cause a few tiffs in relationships and that by attaching Breast Cancer to it it would all of a sudden make it spread like wild fire....but I'm sure they didn't realize that in return of all the "humor" they expected to generate they were hurting us with a silent disease.  One that isn't made public by games on social network sites. 

Now don't get me wrong, I have family and friends who are Breast Cancer survivors and some that are fighting today.  Sadly I have also lost family and friends to this disease.  I know this disease needs more awareness brought to it but I know that the ones close to me going through their battle are not finding this current game helpful in raising awareness but rather trivializing their disease as well.  Maybe people should think before they speak/type and realize that while it's your page to do as you please, it's our anger and sadness that lasts well after receiving hurtful messages-intentional or not. Maybe our problem as infertiles is that we should do more to raise awareness for our disease.  Maybe instead of just sitting back and crying or accepting that we were hurt/angry by the game we should join together and raise awareness.  Our disease isn't covered by insurance- to many insurance companies say it isn't medically neccessary for us to become mothers.  Our disease isn't even explained to each one of us.  But our disease is real and our disease is painful.

I Would Die For That

I never thought the saying “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” was anything but true until I was told about my infertility!  Infertility sucks- plain and simple!  There isn’t a day that I wake up thinking “wow I’m glad I don’t have kids to deal with”.  It is more like “wow, another day older and still no family”.  I cry at the announcement of another pregnancy, I celebrate with my fellow IF-ers whom I have become friends when they carefully tell us they are pregnant.  They don’t celebrate too loudly for they know both how it feels to hear it from someone else when it's all you dream of and also that the pregnancy isn’t certain until the baby is born healthy.  People fail to realize that for each action there is a consequence. 

We have never had a positive on a pregnancy test!

I have never had morning sickness!

We have never heard a heart beat!

We have never had a sonogram showing a baby growing inside me…..and I don’t know if I ever will!!

I can’t imagine having any of those just to lose it but I would welcome the chance…….

All of us in the IF world try monthly to conceive either via meds, shots, temps, sperm donations, egg donations, blood tests, urine tests….we are no different from one another and yet we are.

Each of us has our own story on who we are and how we got to this point.  Each of us longs for everyone to understand that being upset over your pregnancy announcement doesn’t mean we aren’t happy for you (most of the time), it just means that we long for the one thing you were able to achieve that we weren’t.   

My cycle lasts 27 days,;pills days 3 – 7, test on day 28 should I make it that long.  Seems that just pulling the test out of the drawer triggers a period now a days.  120 home pregnancy tests not to mention the countless blood tests or unreadable tests taken over the past 10 years and every one of them told me the same thing- I’m a failure.  Sure the test says negative or has 1 line…..but to me, it just means I failed again.  I failed myself, I failed my heart, I failed my husbands desire to be a dad.  I FAILED!  This isn’t meant to be a pity party, just me speaking my mind. 

I have had times over the past 13 years when I have bled for 90 days and then it stops and I have nothing.  I have been borderline anemic with low iron levels.  I have tried birth control to regulate, depo shots to trick my body into menopause, Clomid, Femara, surgeries to remove cysts, surgeries to check my tubes, surgeries to clean out my uterus.  13 years later my diagnosis is this: I have endometriosis, PCOS, a tipped uterus and I don’t ovulate without the assistance of Femara.  According to my doctor, who we love greatly, I am all ready to carry the baby…..now we just need to make one which is easier spoken then done.

And don’t get me started on insurance…our insurance doesn’t cover fertility treatments.  To them it isn’t “medically necessary for me to become a mom”.  I wonder how they would feel if I went crazy on the next person who told me that?  Would they cover my treatment for help?  Most insurance companies don’t recognize it and don’t cover it so most people don’t realize how much it hurts and how many it affects.  Sure we don’t go boasting our infertility around to just anyone- it’s a private, painful disease that has consumed our lives.  But it is still a disease and it hurts more then just physically.  Emotions run high and we are always on guard.  Trying to put on a front that we are not in pain, trying to prove to everyone that the childless arms and breaking heart that we see/feel daily doesn’t hurt as much as they truly do. 

As a child I always told my mother I was going to adopt because I never wanted to feel the pain of child birth, as an adult I’ve come to realize that I long for the time I can tell people I’m pregnant.  I’ve always felt like it is my curse for saying that all those years ago. 

I hate birthdays the past few years and in fact 3 years ago I dreaded turning 30.  Not because I was afraid to grow up but because I want the one gift I know can’t be wrapped in a package, tied in a bow and handed to me.  I want to be called mommy!! Every day, every Christmas, every birthday when someone asks me what I want –my heart breaks and I cry inside.  I hate taking pills and taking tests.  I hate that this whole process seems like a chore instead of a natural process.  I’ve had 6 surgeries and numerous office procedures to “help correct” what is wrong with me.  I’ve hated every single one of them.  The only thing I am thankful for in this whole process is that I’ve become closer to my husband and met some amazing woman whom I now call friends who sadly know how I feel.  They are the best non-judgmental group of people I have ever met.  We are all cheerleaders, shoulders to lean on, sounding boards to vent to, words of encouragement in despair.  And while I am so grateful to have them in my life, I HATE that we met this way. 

They say everything happens for a reason.  I fight myself daily to believe this!!  I know that it is all in God’s hands and that in His time, it will happen….but that doesn’t ease the pain.  It is also something that us in the IF world don’t need to hear daily.  It falls right along side- give it time, you’re still young, just adopt, so and so adopted and then they got pregnant, don’t think about it, you can always foster to adopt, stop stressing, lose weight…..I’m sure the list goes on but these are the most common.  If you don’t know what to say to someone in my position, JUST DON’T SAY ANYTHING!  Listen to us, you will hear that we are asking for support and a shoulder to lean on.  Someone to hear us out and not judge.  Someone to understand that IF is a disease.  Someone that cares enough to say I am here and always will be, lean on me!

I don’t know if you ever truly overcome infertility, I don’t feel it’s possible.  I would like to think that even if we get our miracle one day, that I will always be sensitive to the needs and feelings of those in my IF world.  I hope that after reading this, you will too.