Is Adoption an Option.....

…. that seems to be the question I keep asking myself more and more lately.  If you’ve been following my blog you know by now our struggles over the past 10 yrs to create our family.  Although we have been unsuccessful in the baby area, our family has increased by 2 dachshunds that are our world right now.  Even still, they in no way compare to the need I feel to become a momma.  In September I turned 33 and had decided then that the age of 35 as our deadline to conceive naturally.  Circumstances beyond our control have since changed that and we now only have 15 months from today to have a natural birth.  15 months for many may seem like plenty of time to achieve such a goal however in our journey we have already done 120 months with a negative pregnancy test monthly. 

10 years… when thinking about it in retrospect many things have come and gone in 10 years.  The internet boomed; MySpace, Facebook and Twitter were created; we have become aunt and uncle to 2 of our 3 siblings’ 3 children; several cousins have 1, 2 and some 3 kids; 2 different presidents have been in office; 9-11 happened; the space center stopped sending shuttles……the list is as much personal as public and endless.  I’ve also started thinking of my life in thirds….I spent the first 10 years of my life as a child playing with baby dolls and Barbie dolls.  I spent the next 10 years of my life telling my mother I was going to adopt because I was afraid of the pain of childbirth.  And I’ve spent the last 10 years of my life begging God to forgive me for such a statement and bless me with a family.

So now I sit and wonder if adopting a child is really so different then birthing a child when both lead you to receive your miracle? I know I would miss out on feeling a child growing inside of me, hearing the heartbeat, feeling the kicks, going thru morning sickness, outgrowing all my clothes for a good reason, midnight cravings……but can I give that all up and be content to just be handed the baby of our dreams?!  I believe that God has a path set for each of us and that our babies are already planned. Sometimes we get to have the “perfect path” and sometimes we have to take the “non-direct path” and I keep reminding myself that the end result of a healthy family is all that we truly long for.  Maybe God’s plan for me in life was to go thru all of this pain, all of this suffering so I could truly be grateful and appreciative of the gift He has set in store for me.  Maybe I am supposed to be an angel on earth to a child that nobody wanted, that nobody could care for. 

It is so hard to not sit here and question why- Why me? Why us? I really try not to throw pity parties for myself because I know as much as this pain is killing me inside, I am not alone.  Sadly there are others that have been through this and are going through it now.  Sadly we have not been the only ones trying so long for their miracles.  And sadly, it will continue long after us.  Yet inside I know that I will not be complete until I become a momma.  So again I am back to the question, is adoption an option for us?  Can I love a child that didn’t come from my flesh as much as one that would have?  Can I hold a child in my arms and feel the love come to life that I have felt so deeply inside for all these years?  Some days I think the answer to all these questions is yes but other days I find my desires to be selfish and to want all the joys that come with being pregnant.

What kind of mother will I be.....

For so long I’ve wondered what you would love and be like that I couldn’t help but wonder what kind of mother I would be as well.  Would I be stern, comforting, forgiving, loving and understanding?  Can I tolerate mistakes and know how to teach you right from wrong and what is correct?  Can I fix a skinned knee, mend a broken heart, comfort you while you cry, love you enough, hold you closely without being overbearing?  Will I be able to show you enough compassion, love, trust, faithfulness, honesty, sincerity, forgiveness and hope to mold you into your own strong person?  Can I show restraint for the love that breaks your heart as I know how it feels and that it is bound to happen?  When you come to me in tears and with sorrow, can I be ok with knowing I can’t correct it every time? And when the time has come for you to leave our home, can I let you go when I’ve waited so long to hold you close?   Oh child of mine, I have loved you since we started trying for you.  I pray you never have to deal with the pains that we have when it comes time for you to start a family.  I pray that your heart’s desires will come true.  I pray to be able to make it to the day when you will have your children and you can understand the love that runs within me for someone I have yet to see.  I will always love you, hear you out, be there for you, catch you if you fall, cheer you in your praise, cry with you in your sorrow.  I can not wait to see what kind of mother, grandmother and friend I will be.

When is enough -enough?

Ok, I've reached my "limit" in the amount of time we've been ttc!!  10 yrs is long enough!!!  We're selfish and greedy and want a child!!!!  I don't want to "try" any longer.  I don't want to "fight" so hard for my family any more.  I don't want to pee on any more sticks!!  I just want to be a mom!!!!!  Yet even when I start feeling like this (which has been more and more lately), I remember this quote: 
"It's hard to wait around for something that you know might not happen....but it's even harder to give up , when it's everything you've ever wanted!!"
I don't know how to stop ....even though I'm tired of it, I don't know how to stop.  Sure this may sound like a pity party and in part it is but I think eventually we all get tired of trying.  Having a family shouldn't be this hard!  It shouldn't hurt so bad.  It shouldn't take forever to share the love we have built up inside.
I hear of friends having babies- one has even had 3, yes 3, in the time that we have been trying.  Add that to a few nieces and nephews that weren't even thought of when we first started trying and the pain just intensifies.  I try so hard to be genuinely happy for them, but inside I feel like I'm dying and a piece of me is breaking yet again.  It's not right for me to feel this way.  It's not right for me to be angry with them because they have a family, yet I can't help it. 
When I hear for other people in my IF world becoming pregnant after a long battle, I do feel happy and excited for them and try to believe in my hope and faith that we too will get our miracle baby.  Somehow, in some insane reasoning, I am not as hurt by those that become pregnant in my IF world as I am by those it comes naturally to.
Maybe I should go to Disney, after all that is where they say dreams come true.  I mean writing to Santa, praying on shooting stars and wishing on pennies hasn't gotten me any closer....maybe Disney would.