It is sad but true. I have been battling an invisible disease for over 11 years now. When I married my husband in 2003, I passed it on to him. Granted it’s not something you can catch physically but the emotional pain I gave him hurts just the same. Although we have tried and tried thru surgery, pills and prayers to build our family; we have been unsuccessful. In August of this year it seemed like a light at the end of this very long road when we were told by my obgyn/specialist that we were being sent to an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) for pelvic pain instead of ttc (trying to conceive). Since our insurance doesn’t cover fertility issues we had not been able to go before but now because of the severe pain, we can. I can’t explain how happy I was because it seemed like we were finally moving forward after sitting still for so long. I have had 6 surgeries, countless procedures, taken numerous pills and got nowhere. We were pretty sure the endo (endometriosis) had returned and a surgery would be in my near future. We love my doctor but it was agreed that if there was going to be another surgery or procedure then a fresh set of eyes might be what was needed.
Infertility is my reality which is why two days ago we walked into a new office and met our RE. She is great and super friendly and we were ready for some answers and direction. We chatted a bit and did an exam and she came back to talk to us. First things first I was no longer allowed to take Femara or Clomid as I had taken enough for my lifetime. It turns out that a “normal” 34 year old has about 38% chance of conceiving monthly. Hearing that number I knew our odds weren’t good. That’s when she told us that someone with mild to severe endo such as I have, had a 2% chance. 2%!! That’s all I have each month to conceive. Better than 0% but still seems so far out of reach. To say I was heartbroken was an understatement. All I want to do is give my husband a family. Then it was time for the game plan. Blood work for me, semen analysis for him although she doesn’t believe anything is wrong with him, more blood work for me starting day 3 of cycle and then a follow up appointment 2 to 3 weeks after those tests were done. That doesn’t sound too bad but what she said next crushed me. When we meet again she promised to be brutally honest with me. If she can help us, she will and once we conceive and carry to term, we will have the hysterectomy. A one and done deal so to speak. If she can’t help us, she will send me back to my obgyn for a hysterectomy. WOW! I thought I had wrapped my head around the fact that we may have to go the foster to adopt or straight adoption route but hearing that I might need a hysterectomy to rid the pain crushed me. For me it hasn’t been a matter of carrying a baby or adopting a baby- I just know I want to be a mom. Sure I get upset each month when the time comes and another cycle shows but I survive it. The pain in my pelvic area however is another story. I hurt constantly – from the moment I wake until I go to bed and sometimes it doesn’t even stop then. I feel like a knife is being stabbed in my bone and twisted while pressure is applied. Sometimes it is so intense I can’t stand, can’t sleep, can’t sit and can’t even move for fear of it splitting me in two. I get that that isn’t possible but if you knew this pain, you would understand. But I would never wish this on my worst enemy so I hope nobody reading this will ever feel it but if you do, I am so very sorry.
Infertility is my reality which is why I tell you this. Not so you will feel sorry for me – I have done that enough in my life – but rather so that you see a couple who is alone you do not just assume they don’t want kids. So that when you hear of someone who is having IF (infertility) issues you don’t make some comment about it being all in their head or to just adopt because then it will happen… or the most hated one, just relax! Infertility is my reality!! I live with it; I will always live with what is has done to me; I will never get over it or just relax. It is an invisible but still as real as real can get disease. Currently there is no cure for endo except surgery to try to remove or getting pregnant to put you in remission. Since my body hasn’t allowed that to happen, it keeps returning. Each time is worse than the last; each time gives us less and less of a chance of having our miracle; each time makes me hurt inside more and more.
Infertility is my reality even though I didn’t ask for it. My desire is to become a momma. My dreams are to watch my child(ren) grow up and have a family of their own. My fear is that any little girl I may have naturally will face what I have faced. Sadly I know how powerful this fear is because I heard it in my mom’s voice the other night. I pray for an end to IF, to an end to the pain that doesn’t result in a final surgery of a hysterectomy. I pray for faith and strength and courage to keep believing that if I have faith as small as a mustard seed, I can move mountains…… that I can become a momma!
Infertility is my reality but I will not let it keep me down!
