2011 Recap:
Rich's 2nd hip replacement.....in the middle of a snow storm that brought 13" of snow. Trying to get home by myself with the snow coming down and the hill becoming slippery was a bit difficult. Not to mention the stress and worry during the surgery.
Our 6 day Vegas vacation turned into 16 hours as it was cut short by the passing of our dear friend Timmy. We planned that vacation for a year but knew our place was at home once we heard the news and we couldn't get here fast enough. The plane ride was awful for so many reasons and we were lacking sleep. Waking the morning of his memorial was so painful because it felt like if we didn't get up, then we didn't have to admit that we were saying good bye. We love and miss him every day.
Then there was the passing of Rich's Great Aunt Irene. 90 plus years old with a heart of gold. Always sending us a homemade ornament for Christmas....appears we weren't the only one. At the service there was a basket of her ornaments free for the taking. Great laughs were shared as we all recall receiving just about every one of them at some point or another.
Now as Christmas draws near we are facing more family matters. Rich's other Great Aunt had her hip replaced and while she pulled through surgery ok, she is having some memory issues. We are also worried about Rich's mom who was admitted to the hospital earlier this week for kidney problems. She is one tough lady having had a stroke, 2 kidney transplants, 2 knee replacements and countless procedures. Here she is in the hospital and there is nothing we can do but wait for answers. Praying she makes it home by Christmas as her stay has just been extended another 2 days.
As awful as all that sounds, I have to admit it wasn't all bad. We did get to wish my great grandmother a happy 100th birthday in Florida with a lot of my family that I haven't seen in decades. Even though we've all grown apart, moved away, most started families of their own and our lives have taken different paths...it was a great feeling to know we were all there to celebrate the birth of the one that made it possible.
We got to spend time with some dear friends and realize that family isn't always who you are related by blood to but rather who is there for you when you need it most. Who lends support, opens their doors, leans on you while you lean on them to support you in times of sorrow and struggle. I have to admit that we have some of the greatest friends in the world who are our family in our hearts.
We also rescued our sweet boy Jethro. He came from Joplin after the tornado. It hasn't been easy with him but it has sure been worth it. Goliath and Jethro have come to learn to get along together, they are almost attached at the hip, and they give us great joy. I can't imagine our family without him.
2011 has also gave us another 12 BFN pregnancy tests...make that 13 because this month I thought it was our miracle come true and could of swore I saw a 2nd line. I guess the heart can make the eyes believe things that aren't real when you want it so very bad. I have made some great friendships through a support group that sadly understand our trials. Those ladies gave me strenght to share our struggles and to no longer hide from this silent disease. I have been open and sharing with anyone that will listen in hopes it gives me more strength to figure out our future.
I have dreaded the holiday season this year which if anyone knows me, is completely not normal. I LOVE Christmas. The decorations, the lights, the giving...the love and reason for the season. But this year I just couldn't get in to it. As I sat last night and watched my niece and nephew at their holiday event, I began to cry. I heard a little girl in the bathroom bragging about how her daddy brought her flowers. I want to be the parent snapping photos of my kid, I want my husband to be the dad that brought flowers for our girls shinning moment, I want to hear "how did I do mom?" and proudly say "it was the most beautiful song I've ever heard".
I keep trying to Believe in Miracles...but it's been a struggle. I cried on the phone to my parents last week as I told them I just want to be a mom. I want nothing more in the world. The pain I experience monthly when the reality that another month is passing and we are no where closer hurts more then giving up ever could. I am trying to understand the reason behind it all even though I know I shouldn't question His will.
I welcome 2012 and know it's going to be our year. As we try to determine how we are going to proceed with making our dreams come true, I have promised myself that I will learn to hold it together. I will follow my mom's advice and if I have another BFN will say - not this month, but maybe next. I will be happy for the 2 furbabies that we have now and know that while they can't say it with words, they love their momma. I will be a stronger person in the end and all of the pain and sorry will make me appreciate the gift that much more when our dreams do come true.
I wish you all a wonderful Christmas season and a peaceful 2012 full of the desires of your hearts.
Hope is a renewable option: If you run out of it at the end of the day, you get to start over in the morning!
