Nearly every moment of the past 11 years has been consumed with the desire to become a momma. Maybe that’s part of my problem. There hasn’t been a day gone by that I haven’t not wanted to be a mom. Even during those rare times when I thought I was ready to quit and give up, I never fully could let go of the need to become a mom. I told myself it would be ok if it was only the 2 of us with our pups. That it would get easier in time. That the pain would start to go away if each month I didn’t have a cycle to remind me of my failures. Someone recently told me “well at least you have never gotten pregnant only to lose ‘it’. At least you don’t know what that pain is like”. What an awful thing to say to a person! While they are right, I don’t know that pain since I’ve never had even a positive test; I know a pain all of my own. A pain controlled by hate, by anger, by sadness…by failure. I HATE the look of sadness in my husband’s eyes each month at seeing me in pain. And as sweet and loving as it is, I HATE hearing him tell me that he would take all the pain away from me if he could. Nobody should have to go thru this pain! Nobody should have to feel so empty inside. Nobody should have to fake it on the outside while dying on the inside. I have watched my nieces and nephew become some incredible kids and young adults. I have watched friends have multiple children and share their moments discussing them. I get angry when I see people say they wish they could get rid of their kids for just one night. I get angry when I read stories in the news about woman that are cruel to their kids. My heart breaks inside and sometimes it’s so bad I don’t know how I survive. I have made some awesome friendships with ladies that have helped me come thru the bad days. Some of them have gone on to receive their miracles, some still waiting, some have stopped trying. I’ve tried medicine, I’ve tried prayer, I’ve tried letting go. I know in my heart that God will bless us in His time but how much longer could that possibly be?? He said He would never give us more than we could handle but sometimes this pain seems so intense that I think He’s just forgotten about our blessing; that He’s forgotten about our miracle that we want so bad; that He’s forgotten about me. September will mark 11 years since we started to diagnose my issues and start a family. 132 months of getting my hopes up only to come crashing down. 4,015 days of begging God for a positive result that month. Today begins day 1 of our last try with Femara. While I am still hopeful that our story will have a “Happily Ever After” ending, I am already prepared for the negative result. We see our doctor on the 23rd to determine what our next step is. What our final attempt will be. I like to think I put on a pretty good front of bravery regarding this whole subject but I think if you were to look into my eyes you would see the pain that is clearly there. I told a fellow IF friend today that maybe God’s will for me isn’t to have children but to be put in her life as a support person; as someone for her and our support group to all lean on. I am beginning to believe that the path I want for my life and the path He’s already chosen for me are two different ones. Maybe I truly was put here to just be a support for others while they go thru their pain, receive their miracles and rejoice in their baby’s births. But then again I don’t believe my God is mean so I can’t imagine He would want me to suffer this pain for so long to not be rewarded at the end. I am truely at the end of my rope and a cross road on this path. Regardless of where this next month or months depending on our next appointment takes us, I believe a piece of me is stronger for having gone thru all this. It would have been so easy to quit many times over the years…. but how do you give up on something when it’s all you’ve ever wanted??
