At 7:30am on Sunday April 14th 2013 after 2 weeks of femara, sono's, trigger shot and prayers we walked into our RE's office. At 10:13am we preformed our first ever iui. I would be lying if I said it wasn't painful- it hurt like crazy -but we did it. Then came the 2ww (2 week wait) which seems to last 2 years if you're on this journey. We were told not to poas (pee on a stick) until we were 10 days past iui. 3 negative home tests later confirmed we weren't pregnant. After some tears and mourning what we never had, I called the doctor. I set up my blood beta test to determine if maybe the hpt's just weren't registering yet. I swear not 10 mins later I started bleeding. I called back the next day to schedule my sono to start round 2.
2 days later I found myself back in the RE's office receiving my day 3 sono. Not even 5 minutes into it the tech stopped and said something was wrong. She sent me over to have blood work done. I asked the blood vampire (I'm sure that isn't her title but it fits) what was going on. She said "oh they didn't tell you? There was something off on the sono and we need to rule out that you aren't pregnant prior to going foward with the meds." Well Rich wasn't with me as this was just supposed to be a day 3 sono check and not a "oops you may be pregnant" check. I called him as soon as I got to the car. The next 5 hours went something like this.... Rich: (calling my desk) any word? Me: no Rich: *sigh.... click. If we thought that 2ww was long....it was cake compared to those 5 hours. LOL! Finally at 12:30pm on April 30th the call came in. "Mrs Greenway?" "Yes" "How are you today?" "That depends on what you tell me" "Well.... you're pregnant". TEARS OF JOY!!! I don't recall too much more of the conversation in regards to all the numbers and levels. All I know is I had to return in 2 days for another beta check to be sure my numbers were climbing. I remember calling Rich out of a meeting to share the news. Telling my husband of nearly 10 years that we were finally pregnat was the highest of highs. We were so excited that we couldn't keep it to ourselves even though that was our orignal plan. We decided that even if it happened just this once and it didn't last that we wanted to share it with the world - so we did.
For 48 hours we were on the highest mountain of love you could imagine. But sadly at around 1pm on May 2nd 2013, our worse fear happened. We lost the baby(ies). It was a chemical pregnancy and we were no longer pregnant. I remember telling the RE (who called personally) that it was a cruel joke. There was no way we could be pregnant 2 days ago and not now. Why would they tell me we were just to take that away from us after we tried for so long?? I received this call at work and my boss was in the room. He went to get Rich to be with me. (I have never been so thankful we work at the same place as I was that day). I remember sitting on the floor of my office crying like a mad woman while he talked to our RE and got the details. It wasn't until this week that I had enough strength and courage to do research and figure out what a chemical pregnancy meant. When you're left confused and devastated after getting this news and hearing the words "chemical pregnancy", it registers in your brain as a false positive pregnancy test; as if it was medicine that registered this way. Kind of makes you feel like you weren't really pregnant at all. But after the research I learned that the truth is a chemical pregnancy was indeed a conception but is a very early miscarriage. It means that the blood beta test or home test were the only evidence that you are pregnant. However the miscarriage happened prior to a sono that would have shown a sac. (5 weeks and under is a chemical where 6 weeks and over is a clinical miscarriage).
Now we had to go back and tell everyone that was so excited for us that we had become pregnant that we no longer were pregnant. I felt like a failure and disappointment to everyone on my IF page that found hope and encouragement in our story. Worse than that, I felt like I disappointmented my husband. I saw the heartbreak in his eyes but still felt the love and support when he held me. We had already mourned this lost cycle but then to be told it was positive and to lose it again, it nearly broke me. I say nearly because we decided that day that we weren't going to stop. We would do another cycle as soon as possible but this time we would be more careful. Not in what we did but when we announced and even as far as having the RE's office do 2 or 3 beta tests prior to telling us anything. All I want is to give my husband the family he deserves, to be a mom to a little miracle.
Failure is not an option for us and we will continue this journey. One way or another we will become parents and increase our happy little family. I try not to let Infertility define me... I am a person beyond pcos, endometriosis and IF. I have an amazing husband, awesome friends, a great support system and 2 wonderful dogs that are my world. I just want to be a momma as well! That said, I will always be a voice to this world I deal with daily. All I ask is that you never judge someone by what you see on the outside. Try to remember that there is always something deeper that makes them the way they are.
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