2011 Recap:
Rich's 2nd hip replacement.....in the middle of a snow storm that brought 13" of snow. Trying to get home by myself with the snow coming down and the hill becoming slippery was a bit difficult. Not to mention the stress and worry during the surgery.
Our 6 day Vegas vacation turned into 16 hours as it was cut short by the passing of our dear friend Timmy. We planned that vacation for a year but knew our place was at home once we heard the news and we couldn't get here fast enough. The plane ride was awful for so many reasons and we were lacking sleep. Waking the morning of his memorial was so painful because it felt like if we didn't get up, then we didn't have to admit that we were saying good bye. We love and miss him every day.
Then there was the passing of Rich's Great Aunt Irene. 90 plus years old with a heart of gold. Always sending us a homemade ornament for Christmas....appears we weren't the only one. At the service there was a basket of her ornaments free for the taking. Great laughs were shared as we all recall receiving just about every one of them at some point or another.
Now as Christmas draws near we are facing more family matters. Rich's other Great Aunt had her hip replaced and while she pulled through surgery ok, she is having some memory issues. We are also worried about Rich's mom who was admitted to the hospital earlier this week for kidney problems. She is one tough lady having had a stroke, 2 kidney transplants, 2 knee replacements and countless procedures. Here she is in the hospital and there is nothing we can do but wait for answers. Praying she makes it home by Christmas as her stay has just been extended another 2 days.
As awful as all that sounds, I have to admit it wasn't all bad. We did get to wish my great grandmother a happy 100th birthday in Florida with a lot of my family that I haven't seen in decades. Even though we've all grown apart, moved away, most started families of their own and our lives have taken different paths...it was a great feeling to know we were all there to celebrate the birth of the one that made it possible.
We got to spend time with some dear friends and realize that family isn't always who you are related by blood to but rather who is there for you when you need it most. Who lends support, opens their doors, leans on you while you lean on them to support you in times of sorrow and struggle. I have to admit that we have some of the greatest friends in the world who are our family in our hearts.
We also rescued our sweet boy Jethro. He came from Joplin after the tornado. It hasn't been easy with him but it has sure been worth it. Goliath and Jethro have come to learn to get along together, they are almost attached at the hip, and they give us great joy. I can't imagine our family without him.
2011 has also gave us another 12 BFN pregnancy tests...make that 13 because this month I thought it was our miracle come true and could of swore I saw a 2nd line. I guess the heart can make the eyes believe things that aren't real when you want it so very bad. I have made some great friendships through a support group that sadly understand our trials. Those ladies gave me strenght to share our struggles and to no longer hide from this silent disease. I have been open and sharing with anyone that will listen in hopes it gives me more strength to figure out our future.
I have dreaded the holiday season this year which if anyone knows me, is completely not normal. I LOVE Christmas. The decorations, the lights, the giving...the love and reason for the season. But this year I just couldn't get in to it. As I sat last night and watched my niece and nephew at their holiday event, I began to cry. I heard a little girl in the bathroom bragging about how her daddy brought her flowers. I want to be the parent snapping photos of my kid, I want my husband to be the dad that brought flowers for our girls shinning moment, I want to hear "how did I do mom?" and proudly say "it was the most beautiful song I've ever heard".
I keep trying to Believe in Miracles...but it's been a struggle. I cried on the phone to my parents last week as I told them I just want to be a mom. I want nothing more in the world. The pain I experience monthly when the reality that another month is passing and we are no where closer hurts more then giving up ever could. I am trying to understand the reason behind it all even though I know I shouldn't question His will.
I welcome 2012 and know it's going to be our year. As we try to determine how we are going to proceed with making our dreams come true, I have promised myself that I will learn to hold it together. I will follow my mom's advice and if I have another BFN will say - not this month, but maybe next. I will be happy for the 2 furbabies that we have now and know that while they can't say it with words, they love their momma. I will be a stronger person in the end and all of the pain and sorry will make me appreciate the gift that much more when our dreams do come true.
I wish you all a wonderful Christmas season and a peaceful 2012 full of the desires of your hearts.
Hope is a renewable option: If you run out of it at the end of the day, you get to start over in the morning!
Friday, December 16, 2011
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Don’t ask me what I want for Christmas this year unless you truly want to know…….
For many years for me it has been the same routine at the holidays. We wish on a wishbone at Thanksgiving, I ask Santa to bring us our miracle, I cry to God when it doesn’t happen. I would really like it if this holiday season our wish were to come true. It is the only thing I want for Christmas- truthfully I would never ask for another gift again. To some it may sound crazy, to me it is everything. What I want can’t even be packaged and wrapped in pretty paper and a bow. All I want for Christmas is a positive pregnancy test; a chance to make my husband a daddy to our child. All I want for Christmas is our miracle! All I want for Christmas is to be a mom!!
I think after more then 10 years of “trying” we deserve to get our miracle. We’ve waited long enough, we’ve cried enough tears, we’ve wished and prayed for our dream to come true for so long. Yet here we still are. I feel so empty inside. I am a heartbroken woman, a childless mother. This year my wish is different but in part still the same, I wish this emptiness would leave and that nobody would experience this pain. I wish my dear friends traveling this journey with me didn’t have an understanding of the depth of the sadness I have inside. I wish my emotions weren’t so visible lately.
Give it all to God they tell me. Lean on Him and He will get your through. He never gives you more then you can handle. I try, I have, I believe all those are true. I just wish He didn’t trust me so much to carry this burden. I just wish I finally knew what I was suppose to get out of all this heartache. I believe there is a reason it all happens and that the plan is greater then me….but that doesn’t mean I have to agree with it. Some say it will make us stronger moms because we fought so long and hard for it. Others say we will truly know what love is because we felt it so deeply before we knew who to give it to. I say I’m tired of wondering what it will feel like, I just want to know!
If I am to be honest at all I need to admit that this next year my wish is to have it all. I want to experience all the highs and lows of pregnancy- morning sickness, the first kick, cravings, the first heartbeat, heartburn, see our bean on the screen, clothes that don’t fit, childbirth, having our miracle placed in our arms, seeing their beautiful eyes, hearing that newborn cry, feeling those tiny fingers wrap around mine, seeing the joy on my husbands face. I want a baby shower so big attended by all those that have known our journey. Yes, this Christmas I am asking for it all; I am going to be greedy.
Questions
I sit here and wonder
Is it ever to be?
Will I get to display
The mother in me?
Wonder in time
How the story will end,
Will they just be for others-
The showers I attend.
When’s it my turn
I ask God each day,
The only answer I get
Is, “Not today”.
I ask only to know
What my future might be,
To plan and prepare
God, please tell me.
I just need to know
How long to be strong,
For sometimes I question
my strength to go on.
I sit here and wonder
Is it ever to be?
Will I get to display
The mother in me?
~Susan Reardon
Is it ever to be?
Will I get to display
The mother in me?
Wonder in time
How the story will end,
Will they just be for others-
The showers I attend.
When’s it my turn
I ask God each day,
The only answer I get
Is, “Not today”.
I ask only to know
What my future might be,
To plan and prepare
God, please tell me.
I just need to know
How long to be strong,
For sometimes I question
my strength to go on.
I sit here and wonder
Is it ever to be?
Will I get to display
The mother in me?
~Susan Reardon
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
2 Spoiled Dachshunds
**I wrote this blog 2 months ago but for some reason it never showed. I am posting it now so you can enjoy as well. Since such time, the love has only grown....and so has the spoiling**
Let me start by saying that while I know that "furbabies" don't replace the empty hole where a child should be, I have 2 and consider myself the momma of 2 dachshunds. Goliath came to us 2 years ago at 7 weeks old weighing 2.7 lbs. Jethro was a rescue from the Joplin tornado and has currently been with us 3 weeks today. The vet estimates him being 2 to 2.5 years old. We went with 2 yrs old and gave them both the same birthday- August 13th. He weighs in at 12.4 lbs. They weigh less then 22lbs total yet think they are much bigger and that they rule the world. At least at our house.....they do!
Goliath stole our hearts the second we saw him. This tiny boy saved me in ways I'll never be able to explain. There was a period of 18 months when my husband worked opposite shifts from me and I think without Goliath here to keep me company, I would have gone insane with depression over the fact that I was alone in the house. When Goliath got sick a few months back, it broke my heart. I thought for sure I was losing him and I didn't want to think of what our lives would be like without him in the house. In fact when we leave and go on vacation, it's always an emotional time for me to drop him at his "girl-friends" and return to an empty house. No puppy loves, no kisses, no cuddles....for us it seems so unnatural.
When my husband started working the same shift as me again we started feeling bad about leaving Goliath home alone for the day without any company. This is when we decided to get him a friend. We had searched for a good 6 months for the right "brother/sister" when we came across Jethro on Joplin's facebook page. We drove the 2.5 hours to go get him after seeing such a sad looking pup in the picture they posted. Jethro was found 5 weeks ago running the streets and the Humane Society started calling him Chance after the street he was found on (we like Jethro better). We took Goliath to meet him as we knew it was ultimately Goliath's decision as it is Goliath's house. :)
I rode in the back seat the 2.5 hours home and Jethro clung to my shoulder scared and shaking. After about an hour I was able to get him on to the seat laying next to me but never removing a paw from my leg. From that moment, I knew that he was going to need loving to bring him out of this scared shell. Watching Goliath watch him was sad- it was almost like Goliath was trying to figure out what had happened to him in his life before us. Sadly or maybe fortunately we will never know.
When we got Jethro home we realized that not only was he a torando victim but was scared of people as well. We can only assume someone use to beat the poor boy. He would never walk behind us, always ahead and always backing out of the room so he wouldn't take his eyes off of us. He found a spot on the couch and slept for days. We are sure it was the first time in at least 3 weeks that we know of that he had a bed, dry shelter and quietness. It took some time but his playfulness finally came about and Goliath and he were having the best of times. In fact they have destroyed 2 pillows, 1 stuffed monkey, 1 stuffed flamingo, 1 stuffed puppy dog and today a body pillow. The only time that seems to bother Goliath is when it's time for bed and Jethro beats him to sleeping next to momma...he's not really in to sharing me yet.
We have been pad training inside for when we can't get them outside quick enough. Goliath has used it for 2 years without problem. Jethro is an outdoor dog. He dances when he needs to go out but has begun to use the pad unless he wakes from a nap and then he just pees where ever. This has not made for a happy momma however after 3 weeks, he seems to finally understand where to go and that going in the right spot equals treats.
Until yesterday I had kept Jethro at a distance in my heart which I know is wrong but I was afraid to get too attached incase he wasn't going to work with Goliath and we would have to rehome him. I would like to think I wouldn't do that to children if we are ever blessed- but at a distance he remained. Since the pups have decided that destroying things is fun, we baby gate them in the kitchen while we are gone. Last night we went to a football game and when we returned, we knew right away things were bad. There was diarrhea everywhere with blood in it. We were not sure at first which pup it was so we got it all cleaned up and took down the baby gate and sat down with the dogs. Then Jethro started pooping with blood again as well as throwing up. He climbed into the bed in the kitchen and layed down which is not his norm. I called the emergency vet and they said that we could either bring him to them (for near $100 plus test cost) or wait until our vet opened this morning to test for internal bleeding. Sadly since we didn't know what to expect expense wise we had to wait however I decided to sleep in the living room with him incase he got sick again.
Jethro fell asleep in the kitchen bed and Goliath fell asleep next to me on the couch. About 30 mins later Jethro came to me. He climbed up on me, layed on my legs, I covered him up and he fell asleep. I felt his head which was warm and his little nose was no longer wet so I knew something was wrong. I tried to sleep but was afraid if I did I would wake to find him have passed away in my lap. I kept one hand on his heart which was beating slow and one on Goliath's to compare their beats. Goliath was so sympathic to his brother and kept coming up and giving kisses and laying back down. Jethro didn't move all night. At 7am I got up for a drink and was preparing to get dressed and take him to the vet. My husband came out of the room as Jethro jumped off the couch, went pee, ate food and started playing with Goliath.
My husband and I just looked at each other trying to understand what had just happened. This could not be the pup I had held in my lap all night preparing for him to pass. Since then he has used the bathroom with no blood, ate, drank and has played as if nothing was wrong. I called the vent anyway to see what they suggested and they told us to watch his next stool and if there was no blood in it, it was probably just a stomach bug; if there was blood, to bring him in asap.
After thinking about it we are wondering if it could be the stuffing from one of their conquests that irritated his stomach. Either way, he is now fine and both are taking a nap (momma took a 3 hour one as well). After last night I realized that I love Jethro just as much as Goliath and could not imagine not having him here with us. It is hard to realize that something so tiny could make such a huge impact in our lives so quickly.
I tell you all this so that those that question our desire to have a child and question if we could feel love for a child that may be sick or hurting could stop wondering. Our furbabies mean the world to us right now and while we know they do not compare to a child- for now, they are our babies. We would do anything for these 2 pups just as we would do anything for a child.
I am the momma of 2 spoiled rotten dachshunds and I would be lost without their love!
Let me start by saying that while I know that "furbabies" don't replace the empty hole where a child should be, I have 2 and consider myself the momma of 2 dachshunds. Goliath came to us 2 years ago at 7 weeks old weighing 2.7 lbs. Jethro was a rescue from the Joplin tornado and has currently been with us 3 weeks today. The vet estimates him being 2 to 2.5 years old. We went with 2 yrs old and gave them both the same birthday- August 13th. He weighs in at 12.4 lbs. They weigh less then 22lbs total yet think they are much bigger and that they rule the world. At least at our house.....they do!
Goliath stole our hearts the second we saw him. This tiny boy saved me in ways I'll never be able to explain. There was a period of 18 months when my husband worked opposite shifts from me and I think without Goliath here to keep me company, I would have gone insane with depression over the fact that I was alone in the house. When Goliath got sick a few months back, it broke my heart. I thought for sure I was losing him and I didn't want to think of what our lives would be like without him in the house. In fact when we leave and go on vacation, it's always an emotional time for me to drop him at his "girl-friends" and return to an empty house. No puppy loves, no kisses, no cuddles....for us it seems so unnatural.
When my husband started working the same shift as me again we started feeling bad about leaving Goliath home alone for the day without any company. This is when we decided to get him a friend. We had searched for a good 6 months for the right "brother/sister" when we came across Jethro on Joplin's facebook page. We drove the 2.5 hours to go get him after seeing such a sad looking pup in the picture they posted. Jethro was found 5 weeks ago running the streets and the Humane Society started calling him Chance after the street he was found on (we like Jethro better). We took Goliath to meet him as we knew it was ultimately Goliath's decision as it is Goliath's house. :)
I rode in the back seat the 2.5 hours home and Jethro clung to my shoulder scared and shaking. After about an hour I was able to get him on to the seat laying next to me but never removing a paw from my leg. From that moment, I knew that he was going to need loving to bring him out of this scared shell. Watching Goliath watch him was sad- it was almost like Goliath was trying to figure out what had happened to him in his life before us. Sadly or maybe fortunately we will never know.
When we got Jethro home we realized that not only was he a torando victim but was scared of people as well. We can only assume someone use to beat the poor boy. He would never walk behind us, always ahead and always backing out of the room so he wouldn't take his eyes off of us. He found a spot on the couch and slept for days. We are sure it was the first time in at least 3 weeks that we know of that he had a bed, dry shelter and quietness. It took some time but his playfulness finally came about and Goliath and he were having the best of times. In fact they have destroyed 2 pillows, 1 stuffed monkey, 1 stuffed flamingo, 1 stuffed puppy dog and today a body pillow. The only time that seems to bother Goliath is when it's time for bed and Jethro beats him to sleeping next to momma...he's not really in to sharing me yet.
We have been pad training inside for when we can't get them outside quick enough. Goliath has used it for 2 years without problem. Jethro is an outdoor dog. He dances when he needs to go out but has begun to use the pad unless he wakes from a nap and then he just pees where ever. This has not made for a happy momma however after 3 weeks, he seems to finally understand where to go and that going in the right spot equals treats.
Until yesterday I had kept Jethro at a distance in my heart which I know is wrong but I was afraid to get too attached incase he wasn't going to work with Goliath and we would have to rehome him. I would like to think I wouldn't do that to children if we are ever blessed- but at a distance he remained. Since the pups have decided that destroying things is fun, we baby gate them in the kitchen while we are gone. Last night we went to a football game and when we returned, we knew right away things were bad. There was diarrhea everywhere with blood in it. We were not sure at first which pup it was so we got it all cleaned up and took down the baby gate and sat down with the dogs. Then Jethro started pooping with blood again as well as throwing up. He climbed into the bed in the kitchen and layed down which is not his norm. I called the emergency vet and they said that we could either bring him to them (for near $100 plus test cost) or wait until our vet opened this morning to test for internal bleeding. Sadly since we didn't know what to expect expense wise we had to wait however I decided to sleep in the living room with him incase he got sick again.
Jethro fell asleep in the kitchen bed and Goliath fell asleep next to me on the couch. About 30 mins later Jethro came to me. He climbed up on me, layed on my legs, I covered him up and he fell asleep. I felt his head which was warm and his little nose was no longer wet so I knew something was wrong. I tried to sleep but was afraid if I did I would wake to find him have passed away in my lap. I kept one hand on his heart which was beating slow and one on Goliath's to compare their beats. Goliath was so sympathic to his brother and kept coming up and giving kisses and laying back down. Jethro didn't move all night. At 7am I got up for a drink and was preparing to get dressed and take him to the vet. My husband came out of the room as Jethro jumped off the couch, went pee, ate food and started playing with Goliath.
My husband and I just looked at each other trying to understand what had just happened. This could not be the pup I had held in my lap all night preparing for him to pass. Since then he has used the bathroom with no blood, ate, drank and has played as if nothing was wrong. I called the vent anyway to see what they suggested and they told us to watch his next stool and if there was no blood in it, it was probably just a stomach bug; if there was blood, to bring him in asap.
After thinking about it we are wondering if it could be the stuffing from one of their conquests that irritated his stomach. Either way, he is now fine and both are taking a nap (momma took a 3 hour one as well). After last night I realized that I love Jethro just as much as Goliath and could not imagine not having him here with us. It is hard to realize that something so tiny could make such a huge impact in our lives so quickly.
I tell you all this so that those that question our desire to have a child and question if we could feel love for a child that may be sick or hurting could stop wondering. Our furbabies mean the world to us right now and while we know they do not compare to a child- for now, they are our babies. We would do anything for these 2 pups just as we would do anything for a child.
I am the momma of 2 spoiled rotten dachshunds and I would be lost without their love!
20 kids or Hoarding....
By now I'm sure most of you have heard that Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar are expecting. Incase you aren't familiar with them, they are expecting not baby number 1, 2 or even 3 but baby NUMBER 20! I, like most in my situation, have a strong opinion about this. I respect their belief in their religion which is against any form of birth control but now we are talking about health issues. Is it right of her to put not only baby J Duggar number 20 in danger but also herself? She is high risk due to being 45 and let's face it...after 19 kids, it can't be very safe in there. Their last child was born 3 1/2 months early and weighed barely over a pound! Not to mention Michelle had preeclampsia which doesn't make future pregnancies easy.
Why am I sharing this? This was a hot topic on the Infertility chat page on Facebook that I'm a part of. Many in the IF world are outraged at her for many different reasons. Some feel they can't possibly be decent parents to all current 19 children as there simply isn't enough time in the day to do so. Some feel they can't show all 19 children the same amount of quality time and that the older siblings are being made to raise the younger ones. Some feel that they've been blessed with 19 children already and are angered because they can't have one. Some feel they are risking her life by having their 20th child which would leave 19 other children motherless if, God forbid, complications happened. For me, I'm all over the place. Currently I am relating them to the tv show Hoarders. LOL! I mean seriously, there are a lot of kids in that house. On the show Hoarders they would remove that many animals if they were there. Ok, ok so it's not the same thing. But let's face it, there are a lot of children that need foster care or could be adopted in America alone that would love to benefit from a warm and happy home. They claim they have room for another child, then why not bless one of these less fortunate with a home? I am also a bit jealous. I have religion, I have faith, I believe in God....so why is someone blessed with 20 children when I can not be blessed with one? Yes I am a little bitter and know it is wrong. There is a reason we are on this path and I know I have to trust that when the time is right, God will show me why. But that still doesn't mean I'm not human. It doesn't mean I don't want what she's got.....ok, correction.....it doesn't mean I don't want a 1/20 of what she's got.
Another topic mentioned: what should happen if one of their children is discovered infertile? Will that make them any less loved because God can't grant them the gift of a family? How would this child be treated? How would they feel? Am I any less loved by God because He hasn't yet blessed me with children? I have questioned God myself as to why I am in this situation when family members all around us are having babies left and right. I feel like a failure for not being able to reproduce. I can't imagine how a child from a family of 20 would feel if they were the only one unable to conceive. Having faith and trusting in God doesn't mean you become perfect and have no issues. It simply means that you have faith and trust in Him to eventually show the reasons behind the trials and path your life has gone on. I have met some wonderful friends who I would not have met had I not gone thru this. I would hate to think of my life without them during this trying time, however I would also be lying if I didn't admit that I wish I hadn't had to go on this journey and would have met them a different way.
I have come to terms with the fact I may never conceive, or at least for today I have. Now if you ask me tomorrow, I may give you a different answer but for today, I am ok. I have started yet another round of Femara and we are hoping for our Christmas miracle this month. Only time will tell. But should I not become pregnant, we will survive. We will move forward and look at adoption and what it involves. I believe in my heart that I was born to be a mother. And because of my religion and faith, I believe that my child has already been determined by God and is an angel waiting to be "appointed" to us. Now we just have to wait to see who was choosen to be our miracle.
Why am I sharing this? This was a hot topic on the Infertility chat page on Facebook that I'm a part of. Many in the IF world are outraged at her for many different reasons. Some feel they can't possibly be decent parents to all current 19 children as there simply isn't enough time in the day to do so. Some feel they can't show all 19 children the same amount of quality time and that the older siblings are being made to raise the younger ones. Some feel that they've been blessed with 19 children already and are angered because they can't have one. Some feel they are risking her life by having their 20th child which would leave 19 other children motherless if, God forbid, complications happened. For me, I'm all over the place. Currently I am relating them to the tv show Hoarders. LOL! I mean seriously, there are a lot of kids in that house. On the show Hoarders they would remove that many animals if they were there. Ok, ok so it's not the same thing. But let's face it, there are a lot of children that need foster care or could be adopted in America alone that would love to benefit from a warm and happy home. They claim they have room for another child, then why not bless one of these less fortunate with a home? I am also a bit jealous. I have religion, I have faith, I believe in God....so why is someone blessed with 20 children when I can not be blessed with one? Yes I am a little bitter and know it is wrong. There is a reason we are on this path and I know I have to trust that when the time is right, God will show me why. But that still doesn't mean I'm not human. It doesn't mean I don't want what she's got.....ok, correction.....it doesn't mean I don't want a 1/20 of what she's got.
Another topic mentioned: what should happen if one of their children is discovered infertile? Will that make them any less loved because God can't grant them the gift of a family? How would this child be treated? How would they feel? Am I any less loved by God because He hasn't yet blessed me with children? I have questioned God myself as to why I am in this situation when family members all around us are having babies left and right. I feel like a failure for not being able to reproduce. I can't imagine how a child from a family of 20 would feel if they were the only one unable to conceive. Having faith and trusting in God doesn't mean you become perfect and have no issues. It simply means that you have faith and trust in Him to eventually show the reasons behind the trials and path your life has gone on. I have met some wonderful friends who I would not have met had I not gone thru this. I would hate to think of my life without them during this trying time, however I would also be lying if I didn't admit that I wish I hadn't had to go on this journey and would have met them a different way.
I have come to terms with the fact I may never conceive, or at least for today I have. Now if you ask me tomorrow, I may give you a different answer but for today, I am ok. I have started yet another round of Femara and we are hoping for our Christmas miracle this month. Only time will tell. But should I not become pregnant, we will survive. We will move forward and look at adoption and what it involves. I believe in my heart that I was born to be a mother. And because of my religion and faith, I believe that my child has already been determined by God and is an angel waiting to be "appointed" to us. Now we just have to wait to see who was choosen to be our miracle.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Then call me crazy
Another pregnancy announcement yesterday…….two of them actually and one the day before. I can no longer tell if I’m jealous, mad, happy or what- I truly just feel numb! Depending on the person I have mixed emotions. For my “sisters” in the IF world, I understand their caution to tell us and yet the joy they must feel inside has to be bursting at the seems to get out. Each of us have faced our own struggles and years of heartache in this subject. I am so happy for my IF family whom get their miracle but at the same time, I want to scream “why not me, why not us”? Lately I’ve had more and more dreams of a child of our own, each one more vivid then the last. Each one waking me with a headache and tears. They seem so real I can feel the child in my arms. Could I be losing my mind?!?! Am I imagining these symptoms that can’t possible be there? Heartburn, headaches, tired all the time, sick to my stomach…. or could it finally be something more? Dare to hope, dare to set myself up for disappointment, dare to break our hearts yet again. To quote Albert Einstein “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results”. Are we insane for trying 10 years repetitively for a child and praying for a positive every month?? I feel like everything is moving slow and spinning out of control at the same time. I just want to be a mom. Why is that an impossible feat for some? What have I done so horrible in my life that I would be cursed with this. I’ve been told not to stress, not to worry, not to think about it…..easier said than done because for 10 years, it’s all I’ve thought about. Each time I POAS and see a BFN I’m reminded of the failure. Today is day 23 of my cycle- can I make it to Monday without an AF sighting? I am so use to the disappointment of a BFN that I’m not sure what the excitement of a BFP would have in store of us. Part of me thinks that screaming it for the world to hear would be a great start while the rest of me would want to keep it to ourselves. So many people have come into our lives during this journey and for those that stayed, I feel we owe it to them when (if) the time arises. But that is all putting the cart before the horse…..for now I must focus on me and remaining calm and healthy so if we ever get our little bean, it too can remain healthy and safe. I guess what I’m saying is that if being insane means doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results- then call me crazy!
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Is Adoption an Option.....
…. that seems to be the question I keep asking myself more and more lately. If you’ve been following my blog you know by now our struggles over the past 10 yrs to create our family. Although we have been unsuccessful in the baby area, our family has increased by 2 dachshunds that are our world right now. Even still, they in no way compare to the need I feel to become a momma. In September I turned 33 and had decided then that the age of 35 as our deadline to conceive naturally. Circumstances beyond our control have since changed that and we now only have 15 months from today to have a natural birth. 15 months for many may seem like plenty of time to achieve such a goal however in our journey we have already done 120 months with a negative pregnancy test monthly.
10 years… when thinking about it in retrospect many things have come and gone in 10 years. The internet boomed; MySpace, Facebook and Twitter were created; we have become aunt and uncle to 2 of our 3 siblings’ 3 children; several cousins have 1, 2 and some 3 kids; 2 different presidents have been in office; 9-11 happened; the space center stopped sending shuttles……the list is as much personal as public and endless. I’ve also started thinking of my life in thirds….I spent the first 10 years of my life as a child playing with baby dolls and Barbie dolls. I spent the next 10 years of my life telling my mother I was going to adopt because I was afraid of the pain of childbirth. And I’ve spent the last 10 years of my life begging God to forgive me for such a statement and bless me with a family.
So now I sit and wonder if adopting a child is really so different then birthing a child when both lead you to receive your miracle? I know I would miss out on feeling a child growing inside of me, hearing the heartbeat, feeling the kicks, going thru morning sickness, outgrowing all my clothes for a good reason, midnight cravings……but can I give that all up and be content to just be handed the baby of our dreams?! I believe that God has a path set for each of us and that our babies are already planned. Sometimes we get to have the “perfect path” and sometimes we have to take the “non-direct path” and I keep reminding myself that the end result of a healthy family is all that we truly long for. Maybe God’s plan for me in life was to go thru all of this pain, all of this suffering so I could truly be grateful and appreciative of the gift He has set in store for me. Maybe I am supposed to be an angel on earth to a child that nobody wanted, that nobody could care for.
It is so hard to not sit here and question why- Why me? Why us? I really try not to throw pity parties for myself because I know as much as this pain is killing me inside, I am not alone. Sadly there are others that have been through this and are going through it now. Sadly we have not been the only ones trying so long for their miracles. And sadly, it will continue long after us. Yet inside I know that I will not be complete until I become a momma. So again I am back to the question, is adoption an option for us? Can I love a child that didn’t come from my flesh as much as one that would have? Can I hold a child in my arms and feel the love come to life that I have felt so deeply inside for all these years? Some days I think the answer to all these questions is yes but other days I find my desires to be selfish and to want all the joys that come with being pregnant.
Monday, October 10, 2011
What kind of mother will I be.....
For so long I’ve wondered what you would love and be like that I couldn’t help but wonder what kind of mother I would be as well. Would I be stern, comforting, forgiving, loving and understanding? Can I tolerate mistakes and know how to teach you right from wrong and what is correct? Can I fix a skinned knee, mend a broken heart, comfort you while you cry, love you enough, hold you closely without being overbearing? Will I be able to show you enough compassion, love, trust, faithfulness, honesty, sincerity, forgiveness and hope to mold you into your own strong person? Can I show restraint for the love that breaks your heart as I know how it feels and that it is bound to happen? When you come to me in tears and with sorrow, can I be ok with knowing I can’t correct it every time? And when the time has come for you to leave our home, can I let you go when I’ve waited so long to hold you close? Oh child of mine, I have loved you since we started trying for you. I pray you never have to deal with the pains that we have when it comes time for you to start a family. I pray that your heart’s desires will come true. I pray to be able to make it to the day when you will have your children and you can understand the love that runs within me for someone I have yet to see. I will always love you, hear you out, be there for you, catch you if you fall, cheer you in your praise, cry with you in your sorrow. I can not wait to see what kind of mother, grandmother and friend I will be.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
When is enough -enough?
Ok, I've reached my "limit" in the amount of time we've been ttc!! 10 yrs is long enough!!! We're selfish and greedy and want a child!!!! I don't want to "try" any longer. I don't want to "fight" so hard for my family any more. I don't want to pee on any more sticks!! I just want to be a mom!!!!! Yet even when I start feeling like this (which has been more and more lately), I remember this quote:
"It's hard to wait around for something that you know might not happen....but it's even harder to give up , when it's everything you've ever wanted!!"
I don't know how to stop ....even though I'm tired of it, I don't know how to stop. Sure this may sound like a pity party and in part it is but I think eventually we all get tired of trying. Having a family shouldn't be this hard! It shouldn't hurt so bad. It shouldn't take forever to share the love we have built up inside.
I hear of friends having babies- one has even had 3, yes 3, in the time that we have been trying. Add that to a few nieces and nephews that weren't even thought of when we first started trying and the pain just intensifies. I try so hard to be genuinely happy for them, but inside I feel like I'm dying and a piece of me is breaking yet again. It's not right for me to feel this way. It's not right for me to be angry with them because they have a family, yet I can't help it.
When I hear for other people in my IF world becoming pregnant after a long battle, I do feel happy and excited for them and try to believe in my hope and faith that we too will get our miracle baby. Somehow, in some insane reasoning, I am not as hurt by those that become pregnant in my IF world as I am by those it comes naturally to.
Maybe I should go to Disney, after all that is where they say dreams come true. I mean writing to Santa, praying on shooting stars and wishing on pennies hasn't gotten me any closer....maybe Disney would.
"It's hard to wait around for something that you know might not happen....but it's even harder to give up , when it's everything you've ever wanted!!"
I don't know how to stop ....even though I'm tired of it, I don't know how to stop. Sure this may sound like a pity party and in part it is but I think eventually we all get tired of trying. Having a family shouldn't be this hard! It shouldn't hurt so bad. It shouldn't take forever to share the love we have built up inside.
I hear of friends having babies- one has even had 3, yes 3, in the time that we have been trying. Add that to a few nieces and nephews that weren't even thought of when we first started trying and the pain just intensifies. I try so hard to be genuinely happy for them, but inside I feel like I'm dying and a piece of me is breaking yet again. It's not right for me to feel this way. It's not right for me to be angry with them because they have a family, yet I can't help it.
When I hear for other people in my IF world becoming pregnant after a long battle, I do feel happy and excited for them and try to believe in my hope and faith that we too will get our miracle baby. Somehow, in some insane reasoning, I am not as hurt by those that become pregnant in my IF world as I am by those it comes naturally to.
Maybe I should go to Disney, after all that is where they say dreams come true. I mean writing to Santa, praying on shooting stars and wishing on pennies hasn't gotten me any closer....maybe Disney would.
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
TTC: What nobody told you about "Trying To Conceive"
These are not all my own thoughts nor do they even all apply to me, but most of this applies to my life now. This was shared a few years ago on a website and has been added to by woman all over fighting the emotional rollercoaster of living with infertility. It is long but if you are TTC or if you are a friend/family member of someone TTC- please read. It may help you understand what we go thru and feel daily. Some may make you smile, laugh, even cry but mostly I hope it makes you realize that you are not alone in this struggle- sadly there are too many of us that know how you feel.
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That unprotected sex doesn't necessarily lead to pregnancy.
That your sex life would start to resemble a science experiment.
That you would see your OBGYN/RE more often than your DH at O time.
That the longer you TTC, the more PG women spring up around you.
That deep down inside, I can be a very jealous person.
That one day you wouldn't mind checking your CM or CP to see if it is your fertile period.
That I should have gone to medical school like my mom wanted, because I've had to do so much medical research by now just to figure out what was wrong with me, I might as well be an M.D.
That I would know more about the female reproductive system and menstrual cycle than most of the doctors I go to.
That living your life in 2 week increments would be the normal
That you never knew how much you wanted to see those 2 pink lines......until only one shows up every month
That simply relaxing will NOT get you pregnant
That you have no control over some of the goals you set
That wishing really hard for something doesn't make it happen, and staring at your chart doesn't make it change!
That one day my DH (dear husband) would know so much about how my uterus functions and what it looks like from the inside
That a pregnancy doesn't always equal a baby!!!
That miscarriage is so common
That I would wish we had started TTC earlier
That my friends' pregnancies would start to make me sad instead of happy
That I wasted ALOT of money on Birth control pills!!
That it would help bring a group of wonderful, caring, funny, empathetic women together like this
That I would EVER be willing to stick a little blue pill up my hoo-haa (estrace pill...done vaginally),
That I'd EVER be willing to stab myself in the stomach or @ss every day in the hopes that it will help get me PG.
That it wouldn't happen the first time you didn't use birth control like we were led to believe in school.
That you wouldn't know how important a baby was to you until it took so long and you realized what you were willing to go through to make it happen.
That family would act like getting pregnant was a competition between all the young couples in the family, and the first one to get pg "wins".
That my DH is the most wonderful and caring man!
That it is insensitive to ask people when they are having a baby!
That women who do get pregnant are so very blessed!
That I could have been rich saving money on condoms, which were obviously unecessary.
That I would be happy to see abundant cervial fluid and tell my DH about it.
That other people's "good news" of pregnancy makes me sad and when they tell me they have good news, I hope that they just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to Geico.
That medicine and procedures are not a sure fire way to get pregnant but it is a sure fire way to lose money fast.
That had I bought stock in Clearblue Easy I'd have my mansion on St. Pete's Beach in FL by now.
That docs should prescribe Zoloft with Clomid or Femara
That having flo show up makes you cry, no matter whose bathroom you are in.
That it does not get easier, each cycle is harder than the last.
That you feel like you wish your life away in 2 week increments.
That I wouldn't want to hold or see someone's baby because it just hurts way too much.
That a group of "strangers" who I will probably never meet, have now become my "best friends" when it comes to ttc!!!
That I would splash urine on my face while taking apart an hpt in the hopes there really was a 2nd pink line hiding in it.
That talking about sex with fellow TTCers would be so easy.
That infertility is more common than you think.
That DH would get used to doing his 'thing' in a jar.
That one day all of this will make us stronger.
That there is sometimes darkness (infertility) before the light (a baby).
That barely anyone I know (in my non IF life) would have any understanding as to how I feel.
That my temper and patience are much shorter than I ever thought.
That infertility is not as rare as I was led to believe.
That I would find it extremely difficult to be happy for other people's pregnancies and I would burst into tears upon hearing their news.
That my faith in God would be tested heavily.
That I would make so many new, wonderful friends who totally get how I feel because we all suffer from the same affliction of infertility.
That it could hurt so much to lose your innocence.
That I am very bitter towards unmarried accidental pregnacies and slightly bitter towards married accidental pregnacies.
That there is nothing to aid conception in the water at work despite what some may say.
That someone I thought to be my friend would hurt me by saying that she was sick of hearing about my efforts at ttc.
That I'd discover who my true friends are- both on and off line.
That I'd ever be able to bond with my sister-in-law (insert family member here) who is also infertile.
That I'd be glad to know that I have PCOS because at least I know what's wrong.
That I would know about other peoples BD, CP, CM but not their DH's name or their occupation.
That I could spend so much time and money on figuring out what my body is doing (or not doing).
That I would have to rely on doctors to give me the final say-so on what I can or can't do (on a med/procedure break forced by my RE against my wishes)
That foreplay would consist of DH asking "How's your cervix today"
That an HSG will tell you more than just whether or not your tubes are blocked. (Bet you didn't know your uterus could be misshaped or tilted)
That one person could be "cursed" with so many different fertility problems.
That I should have become a gyno-which I think at this point I know more then some.
That some people just say the wrong things.
That a simple blood test costs $648!
That sex would ever become a chore!
That actually having a miscarriage would allow me to understand the loss that others have felt.
That miscarriage would make me want a baby even more than before!
That I would resent someone who has been trying less time than me telling me "I know how you feel..."
That DH would be overly concerned that our BD positions were the most effective ones!
That I would become NUMB to the wonderful world around me that I already have (DH, DD, family, friends, dogs, fun, etc)!
That I would become addicted to POAS and not sleep at night because I couldn't wait to POAS in the morning!
That I would be so sad, embarrassed or ashamed.
That I would learn to speak in code
(Like I checked Cm which was EWCM but when I will POAS who knows, dh won't let me for fear of BFN)
That when AF showed up you would feel broken and disfunctional.
That your friendships with your real life girlfriends would suffer because they got pregnant after being off the pill for 3 weeks.
That this would be by far one of the hardest things you will ever have to go through.
That you HAVE to have sex even though you don't feel like it but because your FM says high or peak.
That people would pity you and feel sorry for you.
That I would meet such wonderful group of people that I can share my sorrow, frustration and fears with.
That I would dream about taking my temperature and be disappointed if I woke up at 3am and it wasn't time yet.
That I would stop fantasizing about having a baby because it stopped making me happy.
That I would buy herbs and otc creams like vitex and progest, use them for two days and then chicken out.
That I would hear well-meaning questions like: "Have you thought of adopting or foster care?"
That my brother, who started TTC at the same time we did and whose wife got PG three months later, would go on and on telling me how tough and tiring life with a baby is and then finish with: "You have no idea what it's like!"
That the two little words of "just relax" uttered by everyone I know would infuriate me beyond belief.
That someone would suggest adoption to me in order to get pregnant (because it happened to a friend of theirs) before I had even had any testing done.
That we would have to schedule a BD session so DH could do it in a cup a few days later.
That my friends who started TTC around the same time we did would already be pregnant with 2 before we get pregnant with 1.
That I wouldn't be able to attend my friend's babies 1st birthday parties because of the quesiton, "So, when are ya'll going to have children."
That the people around me would become more insensitive as time goes on. "It is so hard having a new baby, you just wouldn't understand." or "Be happy you're not tied down."
That I would watch a Baby Story every day... only to cry every day.
That it puts this much strain on a marriage!!!
That I spent years trying not to get pregnant and praying for my period. Now I can't seem to lose the witch!
That it's good to know I am not alone.
That I would have to listen to people complain about their children as if they were burdens while a child is the one thing in the world I want the most.
That being overweight would cause people to ask when I'm due, which in turn could cause me to cry.
That I would yell at commercials on the TV (that "having a baby changes everything" one really gets to me. I can't watch it without snapping "So does not having one.")
That I would have to stop watching Birth Day and A Baby Story (two shows I love) because it just hurts too much.
That every girl should go to the gyn as soon as she gets AF the first time. If I had, I would have been dx with PCOS a lot faster.
That a friend would hide and ignore her own pregnancy to try to keep me from being upset.
That sex does NOT ALWAYS equal pregnancy every time
That your body has its own mind.
That you would be keeping it a secret from everyone.
That you would cry your eyeballs out b/c AF showed.
That you would be jealous when everyone around you get pg including your 16yo cousin.
That you would tell everyone you're not ready for a child when they ask what your waiting for.
That life as you know it will be interrupted for two weeks.
That the broken heart you feel each month that is equal to the pain you feel when you lose a loved one.
That you feel useless as a female and wife
That you will soon be lying through your teeth telling people that you don't want children
That you feel that your body has betrayed you by not delivering a regular cycle, the right amout of the required "hormones" or doing what it should now how to do.
That you feel stupid and naive for thinking a pregnancy would occur "when it was supposed to".
That answering questions (and usually lying) about pregnancy or family plans would hurt so bad.
That having the RE and other patients in the waiting room telling me "You're young, don't worry your pregnancy is just around the corner" would infuriate me to no end!!!
That looking at my 4 month old nephew would make me want run away in tears on Christmas eve.
That it would take so darn long, 10 years this month.
That I would notice how everyone around me doesn't take care of their own kids!
That I would start to think I would be the best Mom ever because it took so long to get pregnant and I would appreciate a baby more!
That I would get so irritated with my sister in law complaining about her morning sickness that I would cry when I left her house!
That I'm starting to come to terms with that nagging feeling that I could never get pregnant might actually be coming true.
That people constantly asking when you're going to start a family makes you feel sad, but what really hurts is when everybody stops asking.
That being sexually responsible at a young age and doing as my parents asked (waiting until marriage) would only please them and haunt me later.
That being on Depo for 4 years was a bad idea if I ever wanted to have children later. (I only found out after I had been on it for so long)
That 10 yrs of TTC would lead to watching my husbands and my nephew turn 9, neice turn 8 and a sister who has twins age 13 and a baby who is 3.
That she kept the fact she was pregnant from me so that she wouldn't upset me.
That I secretly prayed it was a girl when asked if I wanted to know the sex so that I could at least have the shot of being the first to have a boy in the family.
That after 10 yrs of TTC, charting every move, taking numberous pills daily, 6 surgeries, stress, trying to "relax", depression, emotional ups and downs, wondering what I did to deserve this when my entire family around me is having kids, being tired every day, trying not to cry over every news story regarding another baby being hurt-only leaves you in the same spot you started, just 10 yrs older and with a whole bunch more heartache and a whole lot of fallen tears.
What Nobody ever told me:
That I would be seriously staring a childless future in the face at the tender age of 24, without any explanation.
That I would sit in front of a computer screen sobbing my eyes out because the tale of someone else's pregnancy loss strikes such a chord.
That hope is a potent drug. Every so often you get a hit and that's all that keeps you going sometimes.
That I would end up this strong.
That the price I'd have to pay for all this 'personal growth' was three lost babies.
That I would secretly start to feel guilty that DH married me, instead of someone who doesn't need hundreds of dollars of pills every month.
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My hope in sharing this is two-fold.
#1: I hope it sheds some light on a small part of what we feel in this world
#2: I hope that if you are unfortunately part of this world, that you realize you are not alone!!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
That unprotected sex doesn't necessarily lead to pregnancy.
That your sex life would start to resemble a science experiment.
That you would see your OBGYN/RE more often than your DH at O time.
That the longer you TTC, the more PG women spring up around you.
That deep down inside, I can be a very jealous person.
That one day you wouldn't mind checking your CM or CP to see if it is your fertile period.
That I should have gone to medical school like my mom wanted, because I've had to do so much medical research by now just to figure out what was wrong with me, I might as well be an M.D.
That I would know more about the female reproductive system and menstrual cycle than most of the doctors I go to.
That living your life in 2 week increments would be the normal
That you never knew how much you wanted to see those 2 pink lines......until only one shows up every month
That simply relaxing will NOT get you pregnant
That you have no control over some of the goals you set
That wishing really hard for something doesn't make it happen, and staring at your chart doesn't make it change!
That one day my DH (dear husband) would know so much about how my uterus functions and what it looks like from the inside
That a pregnancy doesn't always equal a baby!!!
That miscarriage is so common
That I would wish we had started TTC earlier
That my friends' pregnancies would start to make me sad instead of happy
That I wasted ALOT of money on Birth control pills!!
That it would help bring a group of wonderful, caring, funny, empathetic women together like this
That I would EVER be willing to stick a little blue pill up my hoo-haa (estrace pill...done vaginally),
That I'd EVER be willing to stab myself in the stomach or @ss every day in the hopes that it will help get me PG.
That it wouldn't happen the first time you didn't use birth control like we were led to believe in school.
That you wouldn't know how important a baby was to you until it took so long and you realized what you were willing to go through to make it happen.
That family would act like getting pregnant was a competition between all the young couples in the family, and the first one to get pg "wins".
That my DH is the most wonderful and caring man!
That it is insensitive to ask people when they are having a baby!
That women who do get pregnant are so very blessed!
That I could have been rich saving money on condoms, which were obviously unecessary.
That I would be happy to see abundant cervial fluid and tell my DH about it.
That other people's "good news" of pregnancy makes me sad and when they tell me they have good news, I hope that they just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to Geico.
That medicine and procedures are not a sure fire way to get pregnant but it is a sure fire way to lose money fast.
That had I bought stock in Clearblue Easy I'd have my mansion on St. Pete's Beach in FL by now.
That docs should prescribe Zoloft with Clomid or Femara
That having flo show up makes you cry, no matter whose bathroom you are in.
That it does not get easier, each cycle is harder than the last.
That you feel like you wish your life away in 2 week increments.
That I wouldn't want to hold or see someone's baby because it just hurts way too much.
That a group of "strangers" who I will probably never meet, have now become my "best friends" when it comes to ttc!!!
That I would splash urine on my face while taking apart an hpt in the hopes there really was a 2nd pink line hiding in it.
That talking about sex with fellow TTCers would be so easy.
That infertility is more common than you think.
That DH would get used to doing his 'thing' in a jar.
That one day all of this will make us stronger.
That there is sometimes darkness (infertility) before the light (a baby).
That barely anyone I know (in my non IF life) would have any understanding as to how I feel.
That my temper and patience are much shorter than I ever thought.
That infertility is not as rare as I was led to believe.
That I would find it extremely difficult to be happy for other people's pregnancies and I would burst into tears upon hearing their news.
That my faith in God would be tested heavily.
That I would make so many new, wonderful friends who totally get how I feel because we all suffer from the same affliction of infertility.
That it could hurt so much to lose your innocence.
That I am very bitter towards unmarried accidental pregnacies and slightly bitter towards married accidental pregnacies.
That there is nothing to aid conception in the water at work despite what some may say.
That someone I thought to be my friend would hurt me by saying that she was sick of hearing about my efforts at ttc.
That I'd discover who my true friends are- both on and off line.
That I'd ever be able to bond with my sister-in-law (insert family member here) who is also infertile.
That I'd be glad to know that I have PCOS because at least I know what's wrong.
That I would know about other peoples BD, CP, CM but not their DH's name or their occupation.
That I could spend so much time and money on figuring out what my body is doing (or not doing).
That I would have to rely on doctors to give me the final say-so on what I can or can't do (on a med/procedure break forced by my RE against my wishes)
That foreplay would consist of DH asking "How's your cervix today"
That an HSG will tell you more than just whether or not your tubes are blocked. (Bet you didn't know your uterus could be misshaped or tilted)
That one person could be "cursed" with so many different fertility problems.
That I should have become a gyno-which I think at this point I know more then some.
That some people just say the wrong things.
That a simple blood test costs $648!
That sex would ever become a chore!
That actually having a miscarriage would allow me to understand the loss that others have felt.
That miscarriage would make me want a baby even more than before!
That I would resent someone who has been trying less time than me telling me "I know how you feel..."
That DH would be overly concerned that our BD positions were the most effective ones!
That I would become NUMB to the wonderful world around me that I already have (DH, DD, family, friends, dogs, fun, etc)!
That I would become addicted to POAS and not sleep at night because I couldn't wait to POAS in the morning!
That I would be so sad, embarrassed or ashamed.
That I would learn to speak in code
(Like I checked Cm which was EWCM but when I will POAS who knows, dh won't let me for fear of BFN)
That when AF showed up you would feel broken and disfunctional.
That your friendships with your real life girlfriends would suffer because they got pregnant after being off the pill for 3 weeks.
That this would be by far one of the hardest things you will ever have to go through.
That you HAVE to have sex even though you don't feel like it but because your FM says high or peak.
That people would pity you and feel sorry for you.
That I would meet such wonderful group of people that I can share my sorrow, frustration and fears with.
That I would dream about taking my temperature and be disappointed if I woke up at 3am and it wasn't time yet.
That I would stop fantasizing about having a baby because it stopped making me happy.
That I would buy herbs and otc creams like vitex and progest, use them for two days and then chicken out.
That I would hear well-meaning questions like: "Have you thought of adopting or foster care?"
That my brother, who started TTC at the same time we did and whose wife got PG three months later, would go on and on telling me how tough and tiring life with a baby is and then finish with: "You have no idea what it's like!"
That the two little words of "just relax" uttered by everyone I know would infuriate me beyond belief.
That someone would suggest adoption to me in order to get pregnant (because it happened to a friend of theirs) before I had even had any testing done.
That we would have to schedule a BD session so DH could do it in a cup a few days later.
That my friends who started TTC around the same time we did would already be pregnant with 2 before we get pregnant with 1.
That I wouldn't be able to attend my friend's babies 1st birthday parties because of the quesiton, "So, when are ya'll going to have children."
That the people around me would become more insensitive as time goes on. "It is so hard having a new baby, you just wouldn't understand." or "Be happy you're not tied down."
That I would watch a Baby Story every day... only to cry every day.
That it puts this much strain on a marriage!!!
That I spent years trying not to get pregnant and praying for my period. Now I can't seem to lose the witch!
That it's good to know I am not alone.
That I would have to listen to people complain about their children as if they were burdens while a child is the one thing in the world I want the most.
That being overweight would cause people to ask when I'm due, which in turn could cause me to cry.
That I would yell at commercials on the TV (that "having a baby changes everything" one really gets to me. I can't watch it without snapping "So does not having one.")
That I would have to stop watching Birth Day and A Baby Story (two shows I love) because it just hurts too much.
That every girl should go to the gyn as soon as she gets AF the first time. If I had, I would have been dx with PCOS a lot faster.
That a friend would hide and ignore her own pregnancy to try to keep me from being upset.
That sex does NOT ALWAYS equal pregnancy every time
That your body has its own mind.
That you would be keeping it a secret from everyone.
That you would cry your eyeballs out b/c AF showed.
That you would be jealous when everyone around you get pg including your 16yo cousin.
That you would tell everyone you're not ready for a child when they ask what your waiting for.
That life as you know it will be interrupted for two weeks.
That the broken heart you feel each month that is equal to the pain you feel when you lose a loved one.
That you feel useless as a female and wife
That you will soon be lying through your teeth telling people that you don't want children
That you feel that your body has betrayed you by not delivering a regular cycle, the right amout of the required "hormones" or doing what it should now how to do.
That you feel stupid and naive for thinking a pregnancy would occur "when it was supposed to".
That answering questions (and usually lying) about pregnancy or family plans would hurt so bad.
That having the RE and other patients in the waiting room telling me "You're young, don't worry your pregnancy is just around the corner" would infuriate me to no end!!!
That looking at my 4 month old nephew would make me want run away in tears on Christmas eve.
That it would take so darn long, 10 years this month.
That I would notice how everyone around me doesn't take care of their own kids!
That I would start to think I would be the best Mom ever because it took so long to get pregnant and I would appreciate a baby more!
That I would get so irritated with my sister in law complaining about her morning sickness that I would cry when I left her house!
That I'm starting to come to terms with that nagging feeling that I could never get pregnant might actually be coming true.
That people constantly asking when you're going to start a family makes you feel sad, but what really hurts is when everybody stops asking.
That being sexually responsible at a young age and doing as my parents asked (waiting until marriage) would only please them and haunt me later.
That being on Depo for 4 years was a bad idea if I ever wanted to have children later. (I only found out after I had been on it for so long)
That 10 yrs of TTC would lead to watching my husbands and my nephew turn 9, neice turn 8 and a sister who has twins age 13 and a baby who is 3.
That she kept the fact she was pregnant from me so that she wouldn't upset me.
That I secretly prayed it was a girl when asked if I wanted to know the sex so that I could at least have the shot of being the first to have a boy in the family.
That after 10 yrs of TTC, charting every move, taking numberous pills daily, 6 surgeries, stress, trying to "relax", depression, emotional ups and downs, wondering what I did to deserve this when my entire family around me is having kids, being tired every day, trying not to cry over every news story regarding another baby being hurt-only leaves you in the same spot you started, just 10 yrs older and with a whole bunch more heartache and a whole lot of fallen tears.
What Nobody ever told me:
That I would be seriously staring a childless future in the face at the tender age of 24, without any explanation.
That I would sit in front of a computer screen sobbing my eyes out because the tale of someone else's pregnancy loss strikes such a chord.
That hope is a potent drug. Every so often you get a hit and that's all that keeps you going sometimes.
That I would end up this strong.
That the price I'd have to pay for all this 'personal growth' was three lost babies.
That I would secretly start to feel guilty that DH married me, instead of someone who doesn't need hundreds of dollars of pills every month.
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My hope in sharing this is two-fold.
#1: I hope it sheds some light on a small part of what we feel in this world
#2: I hope that if you are unfortunately part of this world, that you realize you are not alone!!
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Friday, September 2, 2011
Thursday, September 1, 2011
I never thought the saying “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” was anything but true until I was told about my infertility! Infertility sucks- plain and simple! There isn’t a day that I wake up thinking “wow I’m glad I don’t have kids to deal with”. It is more like “wow, another day older and still no family”. I cry at the announcement of another pregnancy, I celebrate with my fellow IF-ers whom I have become friends when they carefully tell us they are pregnant. They don’t celebrate too loudly for they know both how it feels to hear it from someone else when it's all you dream of and also that the pregnancy isn’t certain until the baby is born healthy. People fail to realize that for each action there is a consequence.
We have never had a positive on a pregnancy test!
I have never had morning sickness!
We have never heard a heart beat!
We have never had a sonogram showing a baby growing inside me…..and I don’t know if I ever will!!
I can’t imagine having any of those just to lose it but I would welcome the chance…….
All of us in the IF world try monthly to conceive either via meds, shots, temps, sperm donations, egg donations, blood tests, urine tests….we are no different from one another and yet we are.
Each of us has our own story on who we are and how we got to this point. Each of us longs for everyone to understand that being upset over your pregnancy announcement doesn’t mean we aren’t happy for you (most of the time), it just means that we long for the one thing you were able to achieve that we weren’t.
My cycle lasts 27 days,;pills days 3 – 7, test on day 28 should I make it that long. Seems that just pulling the test out of the drawer triggers a period now a days. 120 home pregnancy tests not to mention the countless blood tests or unreadable tests taken over the past 10 years and every one of them told me the same thing- I’m a failure. Sure the test says negative or has 1 line…..but to me, it just means I failed again. I failed myself, I failed my heart, I failed my husbands desire to be a dad. I FAILED! This isn’t meant to be a pity party, just me speaking my mind.
I have had times over the past 13 years when I have bled for 90 days and then it stops and I have nothing. I have been borderline anemic with low iron levels. I have tried birth control to regulate, depo shots to trick my body into menopause, Clomid, Femara, surgeries to remove cysts, surgeries to check my tubes, surgeries to clean out my uterus. 13 years later my diagnosis is this: I have endometriosis, PCOS, a tipped uterus and I don’t ovulate without the assistance of Femara. According to my doctor, who we love greatly, I am all ready to carry the baby…..now we just need to make one which is easier spoken then done.
And don’t get me started on insurance…our insurance doesn’t cover fertility treatments. To them it isn’t “medically necessary for me to become a mom”. I wonder how they would feel if I went crazy on the next person who told me that? Would they cover my treatment for help? Most insurance companies don’t recognize it and don’t cover it so most people don’t realize how much it hurts and how many it affects. Sure we don’t go boasting our infertility around to just anyone- it’s a private, painful disease that has consumed our lives. But it is still a disease and it hurts more then just physically. Emotions run high and we are always on guard. Trying to put on a front that we are not in pain, trying to prove to everyone that the childless arms and breaking heart that we see/feel daily doesn’t hurt as much as they truly do.
As a child I always told my mother I was going to adopt because I never wanted to feel the pain of child birth, as an adult I’ve come to realize that I long for the time I can tell people I’m pregnant. I’ve always felt like it is my curse for saying that all those years ago.
I hate birthdays the past few years and in fact 3 years ago I dreaded turning 30. Not because I was afraid to grow up but because I want the one gift I know can’t be wrapped in a package, tied in a bow and handed to me. I want to be called mommy!! Every day, every Christmas, every birthday when someone asks me what I want –my heart breaks and I cry inside. I hate taking pills and taking tests. I hate that this whole process seems like a chore instead of a natural process. I’ve had 6 surgeries and numerous office procedures to “help correct” what is wrong with me. I’ve hated every single one of them. The only thing I am thankful for in this whole process is that I’ve become closer to my husband and met some amazing woman whom I now call friends who sadly know how I feel. They are the best non-judgmental group of people I have ever met. We are all cheerleaders, shoulders to lean on, sounding boards to vent to, words of encouragement in despair. And while I am so grateful to have them in my life, I HATE that we met this way.
They say everything happens for a reason. I fight myself daily to believe this!! I know that it is all in God’s hands and that in His time, it will happen….but that doesn’t ease the pain. It is also something that us in the IF world don’t need to hear daily. It falls right along side- give it time, you’re still young, just adopt, so and so adopted and then they got pregnant, don’t think about it, you can always foster to adopt, stop stressing, lose weight…..I’m sure the list goes on but these are the most common. If you don’t know what to say to someone in my position, JUST DON’T SAY ANYTHING! Listen to us, you will hear that we are asking for support and a shoulder to lean on. Someone to hear us out and not judge. Someone to understand that IF is a disease. Someone that cares enough to say I am here and always will be, lean on me!
I don’t know if you ever truly overcome infertility, I don’t feel it’s possible. I would like to think that even if we get our miracle one day, that I will always be sensitive to the needs and feelings of those in my IF world. I hope that after reading this, you will too.
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