20 kids or Hoarding....

By now I'm sure most of you have heard that Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar are expecting.  Incase you aren't familiar with them, they are expecting not baby number 1, 2 or even 3 but baby NUMBER 20!  I, like most in my situation, have a strong opinion about this.  I respect their belief in their religion which is against any form of birth control but now we are talking about health issues.  Is it right of her to put not only baby J Duggar number 20 in danger but also herself?  She is high risk due to being 45 and let's face it...after 19 kids, it can't be very safe in there.  Their last child was born 3 1/2 months early and weighed barely over a pound!  Not to mention Michelle had preeclampsia which doesn't make future pregnancies easy.

Why am I sharing this?  This was a hot topic on the Infertility chat page on Facebook that I'm a part of.  Many in the IF world are outraged at her for many different reasons.  Some feel they can't possibly be decent parents to all current 19 children as there simply isn't enough time in the day to do so.  Some feel they can't show all 19 children the same amount of quality time and that the older siblings are being made to raise the younger ones.  Some feel that they've been blessed with 19 children already and are angered because they can't have one.  Some feel they are risking her life by having their 20th child which would leave 19 other children motherless if, God forbid, complications happened.  For me, I'm all over the place.  Currently I am relating them to the tv show Hoarders.  LOL!  I mean seriously, there are a lot of kids in that house.  On the show Hoarders they would remove that many animals if they were there.  Ok, ok so it's not the same thing.  But let's face it, there are a lot of children that need foster care or could be adopted in America alone that would love to benefit from a warm and happy home. They claim they have room for another child, then why not bless one of these less fortunate with a home?  I am also a bit jealous.  I have religion, I have faith, I believe in God....so why is someone blessed with 20 children when I can not be blessed with one?  Yes I am a little bitter and know it is wrong.  There is a reason we are on this path and I know I have to trust that when the time is right, God will show me why.  But that still doesn't mean I'm not human.  It doesn't mean I don't want what she's got.....ok, correction.....it doesn't mean I don't want a 1/20 of what she's got.

Another topic mentioned: what should happen if one of their children is discovered infertile?  Will that make them any less loved because God can't grant them the gift of a family?   How would this child be treated?  How would they feel?  Am I any less loved by God because He hasn't yet blessed me with children?  I have questioned God myself as to why I am in this situation when family members all around us are having babies left and right.  I feel like a failure for not being able to reproduce.  I can't imagine how a child from a family of 20 would feel if they were the only one unable to conceive.  Having faith and trusting in God doesn't mean you become perfect and have no issues.  It simply means that you have faith and trust in Him to eventually show the reasons behind the trials and path your life has gone on.  I have met some wonderful friends who I would not have met had I not gone thru this.  I would hate to think of my life without them during this trying time, however I would also be lying if I didn't admit that I wish I hadn't had to go on this journey and would have met them a different way.

I have come to terms with the fact I may never conceive, or at least for today I have.  Now if you ask me tomorrow, I may give you a different answer but for today, I am ok.  I have started yet  another round of Femara and we are hoping for our Christmas miracle this month.  Only time will tell.  But should I not become pregnant, we will survive.  We will move forward and look at adoption and what it involves.  I believe in my heart that I was born to be a mother.  And because of my religion and faith, I believe that my child has already been determined by God and is an angel waiting to be "appointed" to us.  Now we just have to wait to see who was choosen to be our miracle.