I never thought the saying “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” was anything but true until I was told about my infertility!  Infertility sucks- plain and simple!  There isn’t a day that I wake up thinking “wow I’m glad I don’t have kids to deal with”.  It is more like “wow, another day older and still no family”.  I cry at the announcement of another pregnancy, I celebrate with my fellow IF-ers whom I have become friends when they carefully tell us they are pregnant.  They don’t celebrate too loudly for they know both how it feels to hear it from someone else when it's all you dream of and also that the pregnancy isn’t certain until the baby is born healthy.  People fail to realize that for each action there is a consequence. 

We have never had a positive on a pregnancy test!

I have never had morning sickness!

We have never heard a heart beat!

We have never had a sonogram showing a baby growing inside me…..and I don’t know if I ever will!!

I can’t imagine having any of those just to lose it but I would welcome the chance…….

All of us in the IF world try monthly to conceive either via meds, shots, temps, sperm donations, egg donations, blood tests, urine tests….we are no different from one another and yet we are.

Each of us has our own story on who we are and how we got to this point.  Each of us longs for everyone to understand that being upset over your pregnancy announcement doesn’t mean we aren’t happy for you (most of the time), it just means that we long for the one thing you were able to achieve that we weren’t.   

My cycle lasts 27 days,;pills days 3 – 7, test on day 28 should I make it that long.  Seems that just pulling the test out of the drawer triggers a period now a days.  120 home pregnancy tests not to mention the countless blood tests or unreadable tests taken over the past 10 years and every one of them told me the same thing- I’m a failure.  Sure the test says negative or has 1 line…..but to me, it just means I failed again.  I failed myself, I failed my heart, I failed my husbands desire to be a dad.  I FAILED!  This isn’t meant to be a pity party, just me speaking my mind. 

I have had times over the past 13 years when I have bled for 90 days and then it stops and I have nothing.  I have been borderline anemic with low iron levels.  I have tried birth control to regulate, depo shots to trick my body into menopause, Clomid, Femara, surgeries to remove cysts, surgeries to check my tubes, surgeries to clean out my uterus.  13 years later my diagnosis is this: I have endometriosis, PCOS, a tipped uterus and I don’t ovulate without the assistance of Femara.  According to my doctor, who we love greatly, I am all ready to carry the baby…..now we just need to make one which is easier spoken then done.

And don’t get me started on insurance…our insurance doesn’t cover fertility treatments.  To them it isn’t “medically necessary for me to become a mom”.  I wonder how they would feel if I went crazy on the next person who told me that?  Would they cover my treatment for help?  Most insurance companies don’t recognize it and don’t cover it so most people don’t realize how much it hurts and how many it affects.  Sure we don’t go boasting our infertility around to just anyone- it’s a private, painful disease that has consumed our lives.  But it is still a disease and it hurts more then just physically.  Emotions run high and we are always on guard.  Trying to put on a front that we are not in pain, trying to prove to everyone that the childless arms and breaking heart that we see/feel daily doesn’t hurt as much as they truly do. 

As a child I always told my mother I was going to adopt because I never wanted to feel the pain of child birth, as an adult I’ve come to realize that I long for the time I can tell people I’m pregnant.  I’ve always felt like it is my curse for saying that all those years ago. 

I hate birthdays the past few years and in fact 3 years ago I dreaded turning 30.  Not because I was afraid to grow up but because I want the one gift I know can’t be wrapped in a package, tied in a bow and handed to me.  I want to be called mommy!! Every day, every Christmas, every birthday when someone asks me what I want –my heart breaks and I cry inside.  I hate taking pills and taking tests.  I hate that this whole process seems like a chore instead of a natural process.  I’ve had 6 surgeries and numerous office procedures to “help correct” what is wrong with me.  I’ve hated every single one of them.  The only thing I am thankful for in this whole process is that I’ve become closer to my husband and met some amazing woman whom I now call friends who sadly know how I feel.  They are the best non-judgmental group of people I have ever met.  We are all cheerleaders, shoulders to lean on, sounding boards to vent to, words of encouragement in despair.  And while I am so grateful to have them in my life, I HATE that we met this way. 

They say everything happens for a reason.  I fight myself daily to believe this!!  I know that it is all in God’s hands and that in His time, it will happen….but that doesn’t ease the pain.  It is also something that us in the IF world don’t need to hear daily.  It falls right along side- give it time, you’re still young, just adopt, so and so adopted and then they got pregnant, don’t think about it, you can always foster to adopt, stop stressing, lose weight…..I’m sure the list goes on but these are the most common.  If you don’t know what to say to someone in my position, JUST DON’T SAY ANYTHING!  Listen to us, you will hear that we are asking for support and a shoulder to lean on.  Someone to hear us out and not judge.  Someone to understand that IF is a disease.  Someone that cares enough to say I am here and always will be, lean on me!

I don’t know if you ever truly overcome infertility, I don’t feel it’s possible.  I would like to think that even if we get our miracle one day, that I will always be sensitive to the needs and feelings of those in my IF world.  I hope that after reading this, you will too.