Angry with God....

It is the last day of National Infertility Awareness Week in 2013.  For some of you that means not having to see our many posts or facts on infertility .  For those of us that live it, it's just another Saturday night.  Tomorrow morning we will still wake up in the same situation(s) we are in today.  We will still belong to this group of 7.3 million strong that fight for the chance to have a family.  We will still be missing a piece of us that so many take for granted.  We may live all over the world but we are still grouped together by this one situation.

As you all should know by now, I am a strong believer of my faith and that everything - EVERYTHING- happens for a reason.  I have often asked God why me? Why did you give me this load to bare? I know He doesn't give us more than He feels we can handle, so why me? Why is it so difficult to make our house a home, to make my husband a daddy.  Until recently I didn't understand why He entrusted me so much with this journey and why He thought I was strong enough to handle it.  I have been mad at God twice in my lifetime- the first over a failed marriage, the second over this infertility hell we've faced.  I only mention the first so you know that I eventually got over being mad at Him when I met and married my now husband.  It was a new chance on life and creating a family.  Little did we know that it would take us nearly 12 years to even be given a flicker of a chance of being pregnant. 

I grew so angry again with God because I didn't understand how people were able to have children and abuse them or discard them without a second thought.  I didn't understand how they were able to keep having them while we struggled to ever see one positive test.  I tried making deals, I begged for the pain to be taken away, I begged for a family.  I honestly believe it was only when I stopped begging and stopped being mad at him for this journey and started to see it in a different light and it start looking like it may work our favor.  I couldn't see in the beginning that He was placing me in a role in my life where I needed to be a source of strength for others on this awful journey.  I didn't realize that my job was to help educate those that didn't understand the pain infertility caused, help those adjust that were just starting their infertility journey and support those that had unfortunately been on it awhile.  I didn't understand how people could time and time again do everything possible to conceive in every "non-normal" way only to receive heartache after heartache.  I didn't understand that I would grow to need these ladies of my Facebook Infertility Support Group as much as they needed me.  Until I let go of the fact that we would never be able to conceive normally and accept the fact that having medicine and medical procedures assist us, I never let go of the pain. 

I can honestly say that since our IUI 2 weeks ago, the only cramps I've had were IUI related.  I haven't had the daily pains I've felt over the past 12 years.  I haven't had the uncontrolable bleeding that came along with an non-medicated cycle.  This doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt mentally or emotionally, I just don't hurt physically.  It doesn't mean I won't still consider myself infertile even when we receive our miracle(s).  It doesn't mean I won't still be 1 in 8 or one of the 7.3 million... it just means that now that I understand what my journey is and I truly believe He will bless us with our miracle(s).   To all of those that supported us, prayed for us, cared about us... thank you!  I can't wait for our miracle(s) to happen and share it with you all!

Trying to get pregnant is the fun part....

Sure “trying” is the fun part for a normal couple but in IF world not so much.  Unless of course by fun you mean pill after pill, shot after shot, exams, ultrasounds, heart break, pain, pressure, surgeries, procedures, peeing on a stick and seeing a negative reply every time, having timed intercourse for a chance of hitting your body’s exact surge, husbands sample in a cup, transfers, havesting. Sure, trying to get pregnant is the fun part….unless you are infertile! 1 in 8 woman struggle with this invisible disease daily. They beg, make deals, pick out names, buy a cute outfit, design the nursery in their minds only to receive another negative test month after month.

“Just adopt” some say, “stop trying so hard”, “I know so and so and they adopted and then got pregnant”, “kids are a headache, be lucky it’s just the 2 of you”….all of these may be said out of love but each one reminds us of the trials and failures we face constantly. The waiting, the medicine, more waiting, having faith and hope and then 2 weeks later having it ripped away from you. Worse yet, seeing that positive after years of trying and sharing the news with all only to have your body reject the miracle and lose it. Being part of a support group with 1,450 other woman who know what 2ww, bfn, bfp, dh and other things like that stand for. Knowing that we all share something so personal that many of us are scared to even share with our families and friends and yet we are all strangers. We cry together, celebrate together, hurt for each other’s negative reply. Hearing how marriages are falling apart, husbands and wifes no longer want the same thing, the doctor says nothing more can be done… it is all heartbreaking.

So yeah I suppose trying to get pregnant is the fun part unless you are one of the 7.3 million people who have fertility issues. My journey is up to God. My path is already planned. My desire to be a mom and make my husband a daddy is well known.  For now though we sit and finish our 2ww….

I am 1

Welcome to National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW). 1 in 8 people suffer from this disease. I am 1! Is that number not big enough for you? How about if I say I am 1 in 7.3 million people affected in the United States alone with infertility? 

 

I would like to take say I did the research for the following information but sadly there are others like me and someone else did it first.  The following information comes from

http://theinfertilityvoice.com/2013/04/this-is-what-7-3-million-looks-like/.

 

Well to start, that’s slightly less than the entire population of Israel. That’s slightly more than the entire population of Hone Kong Or, another way to look at it: it’s the combined populations of entire nations like Moldova and Lithuania.

In the United States, 7.3 million people is just slightly less than the state of Virginia and just a smidgen over the state of Washington. It’s like two whole Puerto Ricos put together.

We could fill an area as small as 426 square miles (the city of Hong Kong) or as big as 71,300 square miles (Washington state).

To put it plainly, 7.3 million people is a lot of people.
At first, it’s easy to see just how massive 7.3 million people can be. We could fill whole cities, states and countries with our numbers. And then, like any statistic, it’s easy to start glazing over the population, to start seeing these groups of people as just a number.

The truth is, 7.3 million people is just too many people.
7.3 million matters because we matter, because our stories and journeys and hopes and fears and dreams of becoming parents matters.

That’s why, in order for our numbers as a community to ever be effective, in terms of advocacy, insurance coverage, media portrayals and general social acceptance and understanding – we can’t rely on our numbers alone. We need to be more than just a number.

We need to show people what 7.3 million people really looks like.
7.3 million looks like your neighbors, your sisters, your co-workers, your spouses, your friends.
7.3 million looks back at you in the mirror every morning, when you wonder if this month will finally be the month.