Don’t ask me what I want for Christmas this year unless you truly want to know…….

For many years for me it has been the same routine at the holidays.  We wish on a wishbone at Thanksgiving, I ask Santa to bring us our miracle, I cry to God when it doesn’t happen.  I would really like it if this holiday season our wish were to come true.  It is the only thing I want for Christmas- truthfully I would never ask for another gift again.  To some it may sound crazy, to me it is everything.  What I want can’t even be packaged and wrapped in pretty paper and a bow.  All I want for Christmas is a positive pregnancy test; a chance to make my husband a daddy to our child.  All I want for Christmas is our miracle!  All I want for Christmas is to be a mom!!

I think after more then 10 years of “trying” we deserve to get our miracle.  We’ve waited long enough, we’ve cried enough tears, we’ve wished and prayed for our dream to come true for so long.  Yet here we still are.  I feel so empty inside.  I am a heartbroken woman, a childless mother.  This year my wish is different but in part still the same, I wish this emptiness would leave and that nobody would experience this pain.  I wish my dear friends traveling this journey with me didn’t have an understanding of the depth of the sadness I have inside.  I wish my emotions weren’t so visible lately. 

Give it all to God they tell me.  Lean on Him and He will get your through.  He never gives you more then you can handle.  I try, I have, I believe all those are true.  I just wish He didn’t trust me so much to carry this burden.  I just wish I finally knew what I was suppose to get out of all this heartache.  I believe there is a reason it all happens and that the plan is greater then me….but that doesn’t mean I have to agree with it.  Some say it will make us stronger moms because we fought so long and hard for it.  Others say we will truly know what love is because we felt it so deeply before we knew who to give it to.  I say I’m tired of wondering what it will feel like, I just want to know!

If I am to be honest at all I need to admit that this next year my wish is to have it all.  I want to experience all the highs and lows of pregnancy- morning sickness, the first kick, cravings, the first heartbeat, heartburn, see our bean on the screen, clothes that don’t fit, childbirth, having our miracle placed in our arms, seeing their beautiful eyes, hearing that newborn cry, feeling those tiny fingers wrap around mine, seeing the joy on my husbands face.  I want a baby shower so big attended by all those that have known our journey.  Yes, this Christmas I am asking for it all; I am going to be greedy. 

Questions

I sit here and wonder
Is it ever to be?
Will I get to display
The mother in me?
Wonder in time
How the story will end,
Will they just be for others-
The showers I attend.
When’s it my turn
I ask God each day,
The only answer I get
Is, “Not today”.
I ask only to know
What my future might be,
To plan and prepare
God, please tell me.
I just need to know
How long to be strong,
For sometimes I question
my strength to go on.
I sit here and wonder
Is it ever to be?
Will I get to display
The mother in me?

~Susan Reardon