Then call me crazy

Another pregnancy announcement yesterday…….two of them actually and one the day before.  I can no longer tell if I’m jealous, mad, happy or what- I truly just feel numb!  Depending on the person I have mixed emotions.  For my “sisters” in the IF world, I understand their caution to tell us and yet the joy they must feel inside has to be bursting at the seems to get out.  Each of us have faced our own struggles and years of heartache in this subject.  I am so happy for my IF family whom get their miracle but at the same time, I want to scream “why not me, why not us”?  Lately I’ve had more and more dreams of a child of our own, each one more vivid then the last.  Each one waking me with a headache and tears.  They seem so real I can feel the child in my arms.  Could I be losing my mind?!?!  Am I imagining these symptoms that can’t possible be there?  Heartburn, headaches, tired all the time, sick to my stomach…. or could it finally be something more?  Dare to hope, dare to set myself up for disappointment, dare to break our hearts yet again.  To quote Albert Einstein “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results”.  Are we insane for trying 10 years repetitively for a child and praying for a positive every month??  I feel like everything is moving slow and spinning out of control at the same time.  I just want to be a mom.  Why is that an impossible feat for some?  What have I done so horrible in my life that I would be cursed with this.  I’ve been told not to stress, not to worry, not to think about it…..easier said than done because for 10 years, it’s all I’ve thought about.  Each time I POAS and see a BFN I’m reminded of the failure.  Today is day 23 of my cycle- can I make it to Monday without an AF sighting?  I am so use to the disappointment of a BFN  that I’m not sure what the excitement of a BFP would have in store of us.  Part of me thinks that screaming it for the world to hear would be a great start while the rest of me would want to keep it to ourselves.  So many people have come into our lives during this journey and for those that stayed, I feel we owe it to them when (if) the time arises.  But that is all putting the cart before the horse…..for now I must focus on me and remaining calm and healthy so if we ever get our little bean, it too can remain healthy and safe.  I guess what I’m saying is that if being insane means doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results- then call me crazy!