Jethro's picture at the Humane Society... so sad in the beginning
Jethro and Goliath.... happy boys!!
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Jethro and Joplin.....
The Joplin tornado took place 1 year ago today - May 22nd 2011. I remember where I was...sitting at a KU baseball game with Rich Greenway and Dawn Crump. What I didn't know was where Jethro was or even that he existed. Fast forward 2.5 months and a picture of a scared little dachshund shows up on the Joplin Humane Society page. It was a Saturday night and I wanted him so bad. My heart broke for the scared little puppy I saw. I learned he had been on the streets, then in the shelter 2 weeks prior to being caught. Every day I emailed until Thursday August 11th when the lady who wrote me back said "I can see how bad you want him. His name is Chase and I will hold him for you until Saturday". Rich thinks she just wanted me to stop emailing to see if he was available...lol. On August 13th - Goliath's 2nd birthday - we went and brought Jethro home. Yes, we changed his name- Chase seemed an awful name for a pup that had gone thru all that. From the beginning he was scared...clung to me in the back seat the whole 2 hours home. He slept for what seemed like 2 weeks straight. If you moved suddenly, he jumped. If you left a room, he followed but then would back out in front of you to keep his eyes on you. If you tried to pet him, he ran. After 9 months, Jethro has just realized that he likes belly rubs. He doesn't jump at every sudden move. He jumps in your chair to keep it warm when you leave the room. He loves to be pet but still not picked up. He smiles, gives the best air kisses and just wants to be loved. Jethro is still afraid of thunder storms, hates fire truck sirens and isn't fond of people walking up on him that he doesn't know. I don't know why nobody ever came to find him. In the beginning I was afraid to get too attached thinking someone would post that they were looking for him. We had several issues with the boys vs pillows and even an arm of Rich's chair (oops). We are pretty sure in addition to the trama of the tornado, he was abused based on how he acts sometimes. We had to go thru the potty training phase and the nibbling phase but it was all over quickly. Jethro knows where to go potty and he knows what treats, outside and good boy all mean. Jethro and Goliath are the best of friends now. Where one goes, the other follows. Jethro makes sure Goliath gets settled in his bed at night before coming to ours. He sleeps down at my feet or the back of my knees and makes his way up when a storm comes. They are never far away from momma. In fact, as I write this, Jethro is by my side and Goliath has made his way to sleeping behind me forcing me to the end of the couch. And you know what?? I wouldn't have it any other way!!
Monday, May 7, 2012
Mother's Day....
moth·er's dayNoun: A day of the year (In the US, the second Sunday in May) on which mother's are particularly honored.
Every day for the past 10 years I've dreaded the second Sunday in May. Going out in public and people assuming just because you're female, although there are no children near you, that you are a mom and they should wish you a happy day. I even stopped going out on this Sunday and started finishing everything the day before... that didn't help. They started wishing early last year. Now don't get me wrong- I love my mother, my mother-in-law, our sisters, our numerous family members and friends that are all moms and hope they have a wonderful Mother's Day...but for me; it is a painful reminder that another year has come and my arms are still empty. Mother's Day should be for honoring all the trial's one has overcome to earn that title, the sacrifice and determination a woman has gone thru for her child. Yet for an infertilite woman who makes all of her plans, dreams and hopes around a child not yet conceived, and who loves them even though they are not here; more than she ever believed - it is the hardest day of the year. She appreciates and understands the miracle of life and what a blessing a child is, but that doesn't fill her empty arms and hurting heart. Each day I have to find a way to cope, to suppress the tears, the anger, the hurt...each day I have to put one foot in front of the other and move on. I owe that not only my family and myself but also to the child(ren) we will one day have.
So this year when you're wishing a Happy Mother's Day to someone or accepting the wishes from a loved one and friends, I hope you truly understand what it means. I hope you appreciate the honor you have been given in being a mom. I say this because there are many of us out here that would give everything for just one day; just one "I love you mom"; just one Happy Mother's Day!
Every day for the past 10 years I've dreaded the second Sunday in May. Going out in public and people assuming just because you're female, although there are no children near you, that you are a mom and they should wish you a happy day. I even stopped going out on this Sunday and started finishing everything the day before... that didn't help. They started wishing early last year. Now don't get me wrong- I love my mother, my mother-in-law, our sisters, our numerous family members and friends that are all moms and hope they have a wonderful Mother's Day...but for me; it is a painful reminder that another year has come and my arms are still empty. Mother's Day should be for honoring all the trial's one has overcome to earn that title, the sacrifice and determination a woman has gone thru for her child. Yet for an infertilite woman who makes all of her plans, dreams and hopes around a child not yet conceived, and who loves them even though they are not here; more than she ever believed - it is the hardest day of the year. She appreciates and understands the miracle of life and what a blessing a child is, but that doesn't fill her empty arms and hurting heart. Each day I have to find a way to cope, to suppress the tears, the anger, the hurt...each day I have to put one foot in front of the other and move on. I owe that not only my family and myself but also to the child(ren) we will one day have.
So this year when you're wishing a Happy Mother's Day to someone or accepting the wishes from a loved one and friends, I hope you truly understand what it means. I hope you appreciate the honor you have been given in being a mom. I say this because there are many of us out here that would give everything for just one day; just one "I love you mom"; just one Happy Mother's Day!
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Just the facts....
Here are some fast facts on infertility according to the National Women's Health Resource Center (NWHRC):
-- Approximately 6.1 million couples in the United States, or 10 percent of all couples of childbearing age, have difficulty conceiving.
-- When no fertility problems are present, the average couple between ages 29 and 33 has about a 20 to 25 percent chance of becoming pregnant during any given menstrual cycle.
-- About one-third of infertility cases can be attributed to males, another third to females and the remaining third to both members of a couple. About 10 to 20 percent of infertility cases go unexplained, although these couples often later succeed in becoming pregnant.
-- Ovulation abnormalities and sperm deficiencies are the most common causes of infertility. Together, they are responsible for two-thirds of infertility problems.
-- About 15 percent of female infertility cases are the result of fallopian tube disease while irregular ovulation accounts for about 25 percent.
-- About 60 to 70 percent of women who have a laparoscopy as part of their infertility assessment are found to have endometriosis, a painful condition in which endometrial cells -- usually only found lining the uterus -- grow in other locations.
-- A 29-year-old woman has a 20 percent per month chance of getting pregnant -- compared to 7 percent for a woman at age 39.
-- In 85 to 90 percent of all cases, infertility is treated with either medication or surgery. Just 5 to 10 percent of infertility treatments involve in vitro fertilization or other kinds of assisted reproductive technologies, in which a laboratory is used to try to help a couple become pregnant.
-- There are about 600 reproductive endocrinologists (fertility specialists) in the United States, compared to 28,000 ob/gyns (obstetricians-gynecologists).
-- Women are most fertile during ovulation, which occurs around the 14th day of their menstrual cycle. However, the exact time of ovulation varies among women due to normal differences in cycle length.
-- After ovulation occurs, an egg remains viable for about 24 hours. Sperm, on the other hand, can live in a woman's reproductive tract up to 72 hours.
-- The sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) chlamydia and gonorrhea are the most important preventable causes of infertility, according to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). If untreated, up to 40 percent of women with these conditions will develop pelvic inflammatory disease (PID), which can lead to infertility.
-- The number of children born as a result of assisted reproductive technologies is growing each year. In 2005, that number was more than 52,000 according to the CDC -- compared to 14,500 in 1996.
Read More http://www.ivillage.com/infertility-fast-facts/4-a-108204#ixzz1sjDwHDQo
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-- Approximately 6.1 million couples in the United States, or 10 percent of all couples of childbearing age, have difficulty conceiving.
-- When no fertility problems are present, the average couple between ages 29 and 33 has about a 20 to 25 percent chance of becoming pregnant during any given menstrual cycle.
-- About one-third of infertility cases can be attributed to males, another third to females and the remaining third to both members of a couple. About 10 to 20 percent of infertility cases go unexplained, although these couples often later succeed in becoming pregnant.
-- Ovulation abnormalities and sperm deficiencies are the most common causes of infertility. Together, they are responsible for two-thirds of infertility problems.
-- About 15 percent of female infertility cases are the result of fallopian tube disease while irregular ovulation accounts for about 25 percent.
-- About 60 to 70 percent of women who have a laparoscopy as part of their infertility assessment are found to have endometriosis, a painful condition in which endometrial cells -- usually only found lining the uterus -- grow in other locations.
-- A 29-year-old woman has a 20 percent per month chance of getting pregnant -- compared to 7 percent for a woman at age 39.
-- In 85 to 90 percent of all cases, infertility is treated with either medication or surgery. Just 5 to 10 percent of infertility treatments involve in vitro fertilization or other kinds of assisted reproductive technologies, in which a laboratory is used to try to help a couple become pregnant.
-- There are about 600 reproductive endocrinologists (fertility specialists) in the United States, compared to 28,000 ob/gyns (obstetricians-gynecologists).
-- Women are most fertile during ovulation, which occurs around the 14th day of their menstrual cycle. However, the exact time of ovulation varies among women due to normal differences in cycle length.
-- After ovulation occurs, an egg remains viable for about 24 hours. Sperm, on the other hand, can live in a woman's reproductive tract up to 72 hours.
-- The sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) chlamydia and gonorrhea are the most important preventable causes of infertility, according to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). If untreated, up to 40 percent of women with these conditions will develop pelvic inflammatory disease (PID), which can lead to infertility.
-- The number of children born as a result of assisted reproductive technologies is growing each year. In 2005, that number was more than 52,000 according to the CDC -- compared to 14,500 in 1996.
Read More http://www.ivillage.com/infertility-fast-facts/4-a-108204#ixzz1sjDwHDQo
Sign up for iVillage Special Offers
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
I'm Letting Go...........
It's been a little while since I've blogged but I guess that's because there isn't much that's happening on my end. Well I'm back and want everyone to know I'm letting go! No, I'm not of the dream of being a momma or of making my husband a dad but of thinking I can handle it all on my own. Of thinking that if I just wish on a star or a wishbone or be a good enough person that it will happen. I realize now how silly that seems. No matter how good of a person I am or how many wishes I send up, it isn't going to change the fact that it isn't His time! What brought this on? Well we had another "no" month but as my momma says- God isn't saying no, he's just saying not now. So I keep looking forward to the next month in hopes our miracle will come. This has been my process since October of last year....well actually it's been my process for the past 10 1/2 years. I always say that I know in "His" time it will happen or that God will bless us when he is ready but I think something finally sunk in this last week. My parents have been telling me to give it over to God and he will handle it how he seems fit. I thought that I had done just that but something inside me woke up and I realized that while I can say I've been giving it to God, I haven't actually been able to let it go. I want to fix what is wrong but I can't. It's time I let go and let God!! I am believing in miracles and that when He is ready for us to be parents, we will receive our blessing. This was the first month that I didn't cry when I realized I wasn't pregnant. Now that doesn't mean it didn't hurt, but I didn't cry. I've decided that it's time for a change- a new outlook if you will. God can handle the miracle part and I will take care of my body, get it healthy, take my meds and wait for his blessing.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Is God saying no.........
I just read a statement on my Infertility Support Group page from another member that read: He isn't saying no....I think it's more like He's saying not now. I know it sucks, we've been at it 10.5 yrs now....but it's all in His time and not mine. It's what I have to keep believing. I know there is a reason and I know He has our child already picked out, natural or adoption, so I've handed it to Him and will just wait for His time. :) I wear a braclet from a new friend on this journey that says Believe in Miracles...I've been wearing it for about 6 months now and every time I feel we are alone, sad, discouraged, angry....I run my fingers over the words and just keep saying what my mom promised me to say.... "not this month but maybe next month". It took me a long time to realize it but some woman aren't born to be birth moms....some of us need to be the moms to those sweet babies that weren't wanted by their birth moms or by those that were unable to care for their little one and did the unselfish act of placing for adoption. The more I think about it the more I feel like maybe that is my destiny, maybe what He wants from me is to be the mom to a child that their birth mom couldn't be. Maybe you don't feel the same and that is ok, everyone has their own beliefs....but I just wanted to share my side.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Good-bye 2011....you will not be missed!
2011 Recap:
Rich's 2nd hip replacement.....in the middle of a snow storm that brought 13" of snow. Trying to get home by myself with the snow coming down and the hill becoming slippery was a bit difficult. Not to mention the stress and worry during the surgery.
Our 6 day Vegas vacation turned into 16 hours as it was cut short by the passing of our dear friend Timmy. We planned that vacation for a year but knew our place was at home once we heard the news and we couldn't get here fast enough. The plane ride was awful for so many reasons and we were lacking sleep. Waking the morning of his memorial was so painful because it felt like if we didn't get up, then we didn't have to admit that we were saying good bye. We love and miss him every day.
Then there was the passing of Rich's Great Aunt Irene. 90 plus years old with a heart of gold. Always sending us a homemade ornament for Christmas....appears we weren't the only one. At the service there was a basket of her ornaments free for the taking. Great laughs were shared as we all recall receiving just about every one of them at some point or another.
Now as Christmas draws near we are facing more family matters. Rich's other Great Aunt had her hip replaced and while she pulled through surgery ok, she is having some memory issues. We are also worried about Rich's mom who was admitted to the hospital earlier this week for kidney problems. She is one tough lady having had a stroke, 2 kidney transplants, 2 knee replacements and countless procedures. Here she is in the hospital and there is nothing we can do but wait for answers. Praying she makes it home by Christmas as her stay has just been extended another 2 days.
As awful as all that sounds, I have to admit it wasn't all bad. We did get to wish my great grandmother a happy 100th birthday in Florida with a lot of my family that I haven't seen in decades. Even though we've all grown apart, moved away, most started families of their own and our lives have taken different paths...it was a great feeling to know we were all there to celebrate the birth of the one that made it possible.
We got to spend time with some dear friends and realize that family isn't always who you are related by blood to but rather who is there for you when you need it most. Who lends support, opens their doors, leans on you while you lean on them to support you in times of sorrow and struggle. I have to admit that we have some of the greatest friends in the world who are our family in our hearts.
We also rescued our sweet boy Jethro. He came from Joplin after the tornado. It hasn't been easy with him but it has sure been worth it. Goliath and Jethro have come to learn to get along together, they are almost attached at the hip, and they give us great joy. I can't imagine our family without him.
2011 has also gave us another 12 BFN pregnancy tests...make that 13 because this month I thought it was our miracle come true and could of swore I saw a 2nd line. I guess the heart can make the eyes believe things that aren't real when you want it so very bad. I have made some great friendships through a support group that sadly understand our trials. Those ladies gave me strenght to share our struggles and to no longer hide from this silent disease. I have been open and sharing with anyone that will listen in hopes it gives me more strength to figure out our future.
I have dreaded the holiday season this year which if anyone knows me, is completely not normal. I LOVE Christmas. The decorations, the lights, the giving...the love and reason for the season. But this year I just couldn't get in to it. As I sat last night and watched my niece and nephew at their holiday event, I began to cry. I heard a little girl in the bathroom bragging about how her daddy brought her flowers. I want to be the parent snapping photos of my kid, I want my husband to be the dad that brought flowers for our girls shinning moment, I want to hear "how did I do mom?" and proudly say "it was the most beautiful song I've ever heard".
I keep trying to Believe in Miracles...but it's been a struggle. I cried on the phone to my parents last week as I told them I just want to be a mom. I want nothing more in the world. The pain I experience monthly when the reality that another month is passing and we are no where closer hurts more then giving up ever could. I am trying to understand the reason behind it all even though I know I shouldn't question His will.
I welcome 2012 and know it's going to be our year. As we try to determine how we are going to proceed with making our dreams come true, I have promised myself that I will learn to hold it together. I will follow my mom's advice and if I have another BFN will say - not this month, but maybe next. I will be happy for the 2 furbabies that we have now and know that while they can't say it with words, they love their momma. I will be a stronger person in the end and all of the pain and sorry will make me appreciate the gift that much more when our dreams do come true.
I wish you all a wonderful Christmas season and a peaceful 2012 full of the desires of your hearts.
Hope is a renewable option: If you run out of it at the end of the day, you get to start over in the morning!
Rich's 2nd hip replacement.....in the middle of a snow storm that brought 13" of snow. Trying to get home by myself with the snow coming down and the hill becoming slippery was a bit difficult. Not to mention the stress and worry during the surgery.
Our 6 day Vegas vacation turned into 16 hours as it was cut short by the passing of our dear friend Timmy. We planned that vacation for a year but knew our place was at home once we heard the news and we couldn't get here fast enough. The plane ride was awful for so many reasons and we were lacking sleep. Waking the morning of his memorial was so painful because it felt like if we didn't get up, then we didn't have to admit that we were saying good bye. We love and miss him every day.
Then there was the passing of Rich's Great Aunt Irene. 90 plus years old with a heart of gold. Always sending us a homemade ornament for Christmas....appears we weren't the only one. At the service there was a basket of her ornaments free for the taking. Great laughs were shared as we all recall receiving just about every one of them at some point or another.
Now as Christmas draws near we are facing more family matters. Rich's other Great Aunt had her hip replaced and while she pulled through surgery ok, she is having some memory issues. We are also worried about Rich's mom who was admitted to the hospital earlier this week for kidney problems. She is one tough lady having had a stroke, 2 kidney transplants, 2 knee replacements and countless procedures. Here she is in the hospital and there is nothing we can do but wait for answers. Praying she makes it home by Christmas as her stay has just been extended another 2 days.
As awful as all that sounds, I have to admit it wasn't all bad. We did get to wish my great grandmother a happy 100th birthday in Florida with a lot of my family that I haven't seen in decades. Even though we've all grown apart, moved away, most started families of their own and our lives have taken different paths...it was a great feeling to know we were all there to celebrate the birth of the one that made it possible.
We got to spend time with some dear friends and realize that family isn't always who you are related by blood to but rather who is there for you when you need it most. Who lends support, opens their doors, leans on you while you lean on them to support you in times of sorrow and struggle. I have to admit that we have some of the greatest friends in the world who are our family in our hearts.
We also rescued our sweet boy Jethro. He came from Joplin after the tornado. It hasn't been easy with him but it has sure been worth it. Goliath and Jethro have come to learn to get along together, they are almost attached at the hip, and they give us great joy. I can't imagine our family without him.
2011 has also gave us another 12 BFN pregnancy tests...make that 13 because this month I thought it was our miracle come true and could of swore I saw a 2nd line. I guess the heart can make the eyes believe things that aren't real when you want it so very bad. I have made some great friendships through a support group that sadly understand our trials. Those ladies gave me strenght to share our struggles and to no longer hide from this silent disease. I have been open and sharing with anyone that will listen in hopes it gives me more strength to figure out our future.
I have dreaded the holiday season this year which if anyone knows me, is completely not normal. I LOVE Christmas. The decorations, the lights, the giving...the love and reason for the season. But this year I just couldn't get in to it. As I sat last night and watched my niece and nephew at their holiday event, I began to cry. I heard a little girl in the bathroom bragging about how her daddy brought her flowers. I want to be the parent snapping photos of my kid, I want my husband to be the dad that brought flowers for our girls shinning moment, I want to hear "how did I do mom?" and proudly say "it was the most beautiful song I've ever heard".
I keep trying to Believe in Miracles...but it's been a struggle. I cried on the phone to my parents last week as I told them I just want to be a mom. I want nothing more in the world. The pain I experience monthly when the reality that another month is passing and we are no where closer hurts more then giving up ever could. I am trying to understand the reason behind it all even though I know I shouldn't question His will.
I welcome 2012 and know it's going to be our year. As we try to determine how we are going to proceed with making our dreams come true, I have promised myself that I will learn to hold it together. I will follow my mom's advice and if I have another BFN will say - not this month, but maybe next. I will be happy for the 2 furbabies that we have now and know that while they can't say it with words, they love their momma. I will be a stronger person in the end and all of the pain and sorry will make me appreciate the gift that much more when our dreams do come true.
I wish you all a wonderful Christmas season and a peaceful 2012 full of the desires of your hearts.
Hope is a renewable option: If you run out of it at the end of the day, you get to start over in the morning!
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Don’t ask me what I want for Christmas this year unless you truly want to know…….
For many years for me it has been the same routine at the holidays. We wish on a wishbone at Thanksgiving, I ask Santa to bring us our miracle, I cry to God when it doesn’t happen. I would really like it if this holiday season our wish were to come true. It is the only thing I want for Christmas- truthfully I would never ask for another gift again. To some it may sound crazy, to me it is everything. What I want can’t even be packaged and wrapped in pretty paper and a bow. All I want for Christmas is a positive pregnancy test; a chance to make my husband a daddy to our child. All I want for Christmas is our miracle! All I want for Christmas is to be a mom!!
I think after more then 10 years of “trying” we deserve to get our miracle. We’ve waited long enough, we’ve cried enough tears, we’ve wished and prayed for our dream to come true for so long. Yet here we still are. I feel so empty inside. I am a heartbroken woman, a childless mother. This year my wish is different but in part still the same, I wish this emptiness would leave and that nobody would experience this pain. I wish my dear friends traveling this journey with me didn’t have an understanding of the depth of the sadness I have inside. I wish my emotions weren’t so visible lately.
Give it all to God they tell me. Lean on Him and He will get your through. He never gives you more then you can handle. I try, I have, I believe all those are true. I just wish He didn’t trust me so much to carry this burden. I just wish I finally knew what I was suppose to get out of all this heartache. I believe there is a reason it all happens and that the plan is greater then me….but that doesn’t mean I have to agree with it. Some say it will make us stronger moms because we fought so long and hard for it. Others say we will truly know what love is because we felt it so deeply before we knew who to give it to. I say I’m tired of wondering what it will feel like, I just want to know!
If I am to be honest at all I need to admit that this next year my wish is to have it all. I want to experience all the highs and lows of pregnancy- morning sickness, the first kick, cravings, the first heartbeat, heartburn, see our bean on the screen, clothes that don’t fit, childbirth, having our miracle placed in our arms, seeing their beautiful eyes, hearing that newborn cry, feeling those tiny fingers wrap around mine, seeing the joy on my husbands face. I want a baby shower so big attended by all those that have known our journey. Yes, this Christmas I am asking for it all; I am going to be greedy.
Questions
I sit here and wonder
Is it ever to be?
Will I get to display
The mother in me?
Wonder in time
How the story will end,
Will they just be for others-
The showers I attend.
When’s it my turn
I ask God each day,
The only answer I get
Is, “Not today”.
I ask only to know
What my future might be,
To plan and prepare
God, please tell me.
I just need to know
How long to be strong,
For sometimes I question
my strength to go on.
I sit here and wonder
Is it ever to be?
Will I get to display
The mother in me?
~Susan Reardon
Is it ever to be?
Will I get to display
The mother in me?
Wonder in time
How the story will end,
Will they just be for others-
The showers I attend.
When’s it my turn
I ask God each day,
The only answer I get
Is, “Not today”.
I ask only to know
What my future might be,
To plan and prepare
God, please tell me.
I just need to know
How long to be strong,
For sometimes I question
my strength to go on.
I sit here and wonder
Is it ever to be?
Will I get to display
The mother in me?
~Susan Reardon
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