As you all should know by now, I am a strong believer of my faith and that everything - EVERYTHING- happens for a reason. I have often asked God why me? Why did you give me this load to bare? I know He doesn't give us more than He feels we can handle, so why me? Why is it so difficult to make our house a home, to make my husband a daddy. Until recently I didn't understand why He entrusted me so much with this journey and why He thought I was strong enough to handle it. I have been mad at God twice in my lifetime- the first over a failed marriage, the second over this infertility hell we've faced. I only mention the first so you know that I eventually got over being mad at Him when I met and married my now husband. It was a new chance on life and creating a family. Little did we know that it would take us nearly 12 years to even be given a flicker of a chance of being pregnant.
I grew so angry again with God because I didn't understand how people were able to have children and abuse them or discard them without a second thought. I didn't understand how they were able to keep having them while we struggled to ever see one positive test. I tried making deals, I begged for the pain to be taken away, I begged for a family. I honestly believe it was only when I stopped begging and stopped being mad at him for this journey and started to see it in a different light and it start looking like it may work our favor. I couldn't see in the beginning that He was placing me in a role in my life where I needed to be a source of strength for others on this awful journey. I didn't realize that my job was to help educate those that didn't understand the pain infertility caused, help those adjust that were just starting their infertility journey and support those that had unfortunately been on it awhile. I didn't understand how people could time and time again do everything possible to conceive in every "non-normal" way only to receive heartache after heartache. I didn't understand that I would grow to need these ladies of my Facebook Infertility Support Group as much as they needed me. Until I let go of the fact that we would never be able to conceive normally and accept the fact that having medicine and medical procedures assist us, I never let go of the pain.
I can honestly say that since our IUI 2 weeks ago, the only cramps I've had were IUI related. I haven't had the daily pains I've felt over the past 12 years. I haven't had the uncontrolable bleeding that came along with an non-medicated cycle. This doesn't mean it still doesn't hurt mentally or emotionally, I just don't hurt physically. It doesn't mean I won't still consider myself infertile even when we receive our miracle(s). It doesn't mean I won't still be 1 in 8 or one of the 7.3 million... it just means that now that I understand what my journey is and I truly believe He will bless us with our miracle(s). To all of those that supported us, prayed for us, cared about us... thank you! I can't wait for our miracle(s) to happen and share it with you all!
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