Heartbroken

I was a mom for 48 short beautiful hours. It was the most natural high a person could ever possibly be on – or at least it was for me. Here is our story….

Nearly 12 years of trying to conceive, first iui procedure and 3 home pregnancy tests that all showed negative. We had already mourned the loss of that cycle and were preparing for the next. I scheduled a beta because I hadn’t started the next cycle. Almost as soon as I scheduled it, it arrived. I called back the next day to change it to a sono appointment to begin iui #2. It was 5 minutes into the sono when the tech stopped. She said something seemed off and we needed to get labs done. Nobody would tell me what was going on. Finally the nurse said it appeared I wasn’t starting a cycle but possibly implanting and needed to do the beta to rule out pregnancy before taking more meds. The next 5 hours felt like eternity. Rich kept checking in on me so see if they had called with the results – like I wasn’t going to tell him or something. Then came the call and I remember every word. The nurse asking how I was doing. Me saying it depends on what you say. Her saying the words we’ve waited 12 years to hear- “Well Mrs. Greenway, you’re pregnant!” My heart stopped, my world stood still. All I could do was cry. I was so happy that after so long it worked. Our pain and tears of sorrow were all wiped away at that moment. Of course I’m at work and trying not to tell a soul until I reach Rich but obviously not doing so well. I called him on his cell and got him out of a meeting and told him the news. We work at the same place so he came right to my office. It was so obvious to see how happy he was just by looking at him. We scheduled our next beta for 2 days later to make sure the numbers were climbing. I was put on progesterone to make sure my lining stayed thick enough to support the baby(ies). We told all of our family and friends. I know it was probably too soon but I remember telling Rich that if we only ever got this one shot I wanted everyone who has ever been supportive of us to know what was going on.

2 days later I went in for the beta and was told I would get the results later that day. The wait was on again. I didn’t care though because I was pregnant! When my phone rang around 2pm it was from the RE herself and not the nurse. It was another phone call that I will always remember. The sorrow and pain in her voice already told me what was going on but my mind couldn’t process it. I was pregnant and then it was gone. Ripped away like some cruel joke. I have never felt the pain I felt at that moment. I remember telling her this was a joke, an awful cruel joke and there was no way I could not be pregnant any longer. She told me it wasn’t and that she didn’t know why it happened but that we had what is called a chemical pregnancy. I don’t remember too much after that except someone going to get Rich and handing him the phone. I remember sitting on the floor in my office sobbing. I just wanted to die. My heart was breaking over something I barely had time to be excited over. You can do a lot of thinking in 48 hours and I had so many questions and so many things to do. I couldn’t believe it was all gone. I didn’t understand what a chemical pregnancy meant or why the nurse would call and say I was pregnant only for the RE to call and say I wasn’t. I felt like a failure, like I let my husband down, the people in my IF support page that looked to me as hope, our parents who were finally getting another grandchild…. I felt like a complete failure.

It took me a few days but I did some research and found out what a chemical pregnancy is. A chemical pregnancy is another term to describe an early miscarriage that occurs within the first five weeks of pregnancy. It turns out that chemical pregnancies are quite common and around half of all first pregnancies are thought to end in miscarriage. It is called a chemical pregnancy because it occurs at a time when only a chemical test could have picked up the pregnancy. An ultrasound would not have led to a pregnancy confirmation.

We decided to try again right away and not let this be our end result. We did iui #2 on June 1^st. I remember telling Rich that I could handle a negative much easier than another loss. I must have been crazy. We got a call on Monday the 17^th that said the iui didn’t take. I cried so much that day. I cried for the failed iui, for our miscarriage, for our future that seemed to be over. It was clear it was time for a break. So that is where we are today. We are on a break (sounds like a FRIENDS episode). We will visit the RE again in the fall to determine what our next course of action is and hopefully by then save enough funds to try iui #3. We are spending the summer taking care of our house so we can sell it, ourselves so we can feel better and planning our future in Texas.

Unless you’ve been on this IF journey, which I wish to no one, the statements of “Maybe it will happen when you aren’t trying” or “So & So got pregnant when they stopped” or even “Have you thought about adoption? So & So adopted and then got pregnant” aren’t helpful. I’m sorry if that sounds cruel but it is the truth. All we need from our friends and family is the support and encouragement to keep going to build our family. We are taking a break to heal our hearts and bank account (lol) not to hope that it happens during this time. Please just keep our hope for our future family in your thoughts and prayers!