We lost so much in that 5 minute phone call that we’ll never
get back. I never got to know what it feels like to feel our child(ren)
grow inside me. We never got to hear a
heartbeat or wonder if we should buy pink or blue. We never got to hold our child for the first
time and count all their fingers and toes, wipe their tears, kiss their sweet
head. We never got to see a first step,
hear a first word, bandage a boo-boo, mend a broken heart from their first
love, celebrate a birthday or Christmas, shop for the prom, buy a first car,
teach right from wrong, be proud at graduation, walk her down the aisle at her
wedding or calm his nervous when he says he’s ready to propose. We never got to see them rejoice when they
purchase their first house or tell us they are pregnant and we will be
grandparents. We lost so much before we
even had a chance to show our love.
We had only just found out we were pregnant 2 days prior but
I already loved that baby with my whole heart and would have done anything to
protect them. We wanted that pregnancy
more than anything in the world. Our dreams were finally coming true and our prayers were answered. I fell so deep in love with my
baby(ies) the moment I heard “you’re pregnant” from my re’s office that my
heart shattered in a million pieces when I was told it was over.
“This is some cruel joke” I remember saying. 2 months later and my heart still hurts from the loss. After 12 years of ttc I had come to terms
that I was part of the statistic of Infertility; part of the 7.3 million
suffering daily. I thought we had
overcome infertility when we received our positive news. I don’t know how to come to terms nor do I
want to with the statistic of being part of the 20% of pregnancies that end in
a miscarriage. Or become part of a group that has lost a baby to a chemical pregnancy which is so common almost 60% of first
pregnancies that end like this. We may never know the reason why our baby didn't survive. I guess sometimes love just isn't enough to hold on to your miracle, no matter how much you try.
All I have ever wanted was to be a mom; to have someone love
me and depend on me; to give my husband a family. It is an awful feeling when you find out that
you can’t make your dreams a reality or when your reality is broken. We have traveled the infertility road so long
that I never thought there was anything that could hurt more. Boy was I wrong! We are now part of the group that has fought,
won, loved and lost our miracle. This
pain hurts every day even when I try to push it away. Just because I smile doesn’t mean I don’t
ache. Just because I laugh doesn’t mean I’m
not crying inside. Just because I love
doesn’t mean my heart isn’t still broken. We
should be 3 months along right now. Embracing
all the changes, dealing with morning sickness, sneaking purchases of baby
items when we still don’t know the sex(es).
I should be aggravating my husband with my cravings and needs. However instead of everything we looked
forward to, we are learning to survive and move on.
We are currently on a break after this loss and another
failed IUI. We need some time for us and
to prepare for another try. We’ll try
again one more time down the road because we don’t feel our time is done. I share all this with you not for you to feel sad or sorry for us, Lord
knows I do that enough as it is, but to just keep the good thoughts, prayers and baby dust flowing our direction. If you’re a mom or dad, hold your little one
a bit tighter and be thankful for what you have. Never take it for granted. Love your miracles unconditionally because I know a group of at least 1,400 people out here suffering with infertility that would give it all to have that miracle.
~*~*~I'm praying daily for every empty arm and broken
heart. ~*~*~