My 2013 Resolutions....

2013 is going to be my year!

I’m going to laugh more and cry less.

Think positive and not negative.

Concentrate on the good and ignore the bad.

Find a reason to smile each day even when it seems impossible.

Look towards the future and what it hold for us instead of dwelling on what we’ve missed out on.

Share more I Love You’s to those that matter and remove those from my life that don’t.

Keep believing in miracles even when it seems there is nothing left to believe in.

Trust my faith, my heart, my hope, my love!

Lose weight even if it is just 1 pound.

Stop stressing over the little things.

Set goals, big and small, and accomplish them.

Be less judgmental and more appreciative.

Stop getting mad or angry when people announce their pregnancies…. (I do not know their trials and should not assume their journey has been less painful or less important than ours).

Celebrate Christmas in my house for the first time in several years.

Yes sir…. 2013 is going to be my year!!

Infertility is my reality……

It is sad but true. I have been battling an invisible disease for over 11 years now. When I married my husband in 2003, I passed it on to him. Granted it’s not something you can catch physically but the emotional pain I gave him hurts just the same. Although we have tried and tried thru surgery, pills and prayers to build our family; we have been unsuccessful. In August of this year it seemed like a light at the end of this very long road when we were told by my obgyn/specialist that we were being sent to an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) for pelvic pain instead of ttc (trying to conceive). Since our insurance doesn’t cover fertility issues we had not been able to go before but now because of the severe pain, we can. I can’t explain how happy I was because it seemed like we were finally moving forward after sitting still for so long. I have had 6 surgeries, countless procedures, taken numerous pills and got nowhere. We were pretty sure the endo (endometriosis) had returned and a surgery would be in my near future. We love my doctor but it was agreed that if there was going to be another surgery or procedure then a fresh set of eyes might be what was needed.

Infertility is my reality which is why two days ago we walked into a new office and met our RE. She is great and super friendly and we were ready for some answers and direction. We chatted a bit and did an exam and she came back to talk to us. First things first I was no longer allowed to take Femara or Clomid as I had taken enough for my lifetime. It turns out that a “normal” 34 year old has about 38% chance of conceiving monthly. Hearing that number I knew our odds weren’t good. That’s when she told us that someone with mild to severe endo such as I have, had a 2% chance. 2%!! That’s all I have each month to conceive. Better than 0% but still seems so far out of reach. To say I was heartbroken was an understatement. All I want to do is give my husband a family. Then it was time for the game plan. Blood work for me, semen analysis for him although she doesn’t believe anything is wrong with him, more blood work for me starting day 3 of cycle and then a follow up appointment 2 to 3 weeks after those tests were done. That doesn’t sound too bad but what she said next crushed me. When we meet again she promised to be brutally honest with me. If she can help us, she will and once we conceive and carry to term, we will have the hysterectomy. A one and done deal so to speak. If she can’t help us, she will send me back to my obgyn for a hysterectomy. WOW! I thought I had wrapped my head around the fact that we may have to go the foster to adopt or straight adoption route but hearing that I might need a hysterectomy to rid the pain crushed me. For me it hasn’t been a matter of carrying a baby or adopting a baby- I just know I want to be a mom. Sure I get upset each month when the time comes and another cycle shows but I survive it. The pain in my pelvic area however is another story. I hurt constantly – from the moment I wake until I go to bed and sometimes it doesn’t even stop then. I feel like a knife is being stabbed in my bone and twisted while pressure is applied. Sometimes it is so intense I can’t stand, can’t sleep, can’t sit and can’t even move for fear of it splitting me in two. I get that that isn’t possible but if you knew this pain, you would understand. But I would never wish this on my worst enemy so I hope nobody reading this will ever feel it but if you do, I am so very sorry. 

Infertility is my reality which is why I tell you this. Not so you will feel sorry for me – I have done that enough in my life – but rather so that you see a couple who is alone you do not just assume they don’t want kids. So that when you hear of someone who is having IF (infertility) issues you don’t make some comment about it being all in their head or to just adopt because then it will happen… or the most hated one, just relax! Infertility is my reality!! I live with it; I will always live with what is has done to me; I will never get over it or just relax. It is an invisible but still as real as real can get disease. Currently there is no cure for endo except surgery to try to remove or getting pregnant to put you in remission. Since my body hasn’t allowed that to happen, it keeps returning. Each time is worse than the last; each time gives us less and less of a chance of having our miracle; each time makes me hurt inside more and more.

Infertility is my reality even though I didn’t ask for it. My desire is to become a momma. My dreams are to watch my child(ren) grow up and have a family of their own. My fear is that any little girl I may have naturally will face what I have faced. Sadly I know how powerful this fear is because I heard it in my mom’s voice the other night. I pray for an end to IF, to an end to the pain that doesn’t result in a final surgery of a hysterectomy. I pray for faith and strength and courage to keep believing that if I have faith as small as a mustard seed, I can move mountains…… that I can become a momma!

Infertility is my reality but I will not let it keep me down!

11 YEARS = 132 MONTHS = 4,015 DAYS

Nearly every moment of the past 11 years has been consumed with the desire to become a momma. Maybe that’s part of my problem. There hasn’t been a day gone by that I haven’t not wanted to be a mom. Even during those rare times when I thought I was ready to quit and give up, I never fully could let go of the need to become a mom. I told myself it would be ok if it was only the 2 of us with our pups. That it would get easier in time. That the pain would start to go away if each month I didn’t have a cycle to remind me of my failures. Someone recently told me “well at least you have never gotten pregnant only to lose ‘it’. At least you don’t know what that pain is like”. What an awful thing to say to a person! While they are right, I don’t know that pain since I’ve never had even a positive test; I know a pain all of my own. A pain controlled by hate, by anger, by sadness…by failure. I HATE the look of sadness in my husband’s eyes each month at seeing me in pain. And as sweet and loving as it is, I HATE hearing him tell me that he would take all the pain away from me if he could. Nobody should have to go thru this pain! Nobody should have to feel so empty inside. Nobody should have to fake it on the outside while dying on the inside. I have watched my nieces and nephew become some incredible kids and young adults. I have watched friends have multiple children and share their moments discussing them. I get angry when I see people say they wish they could get rid of their kids for just one night. I get angry when I read stories in the news about woman that are cruel to their kids. My heart breaks inside and sometimes it’s so bad I don’t know how I survive. I have made some awesome friendships with ladies that have helped me come thru the bad days. Some of them have gone on to receive their miracles, some still waiting, some have stopped trying. I’ve tried medicine, I’ve tried prayer, I’ve tried letting go. I know in my heart that God will bless us in His time but how much longer could that possibly be??  He said He would never give us more than we could handle but sometimes this pain seems so intense that I think He’s just forgotten about our blessing; that He’s forgotten about our miracle that we want so bad; that He’s forgotten about me.  September will mark 11 years since we started to diagnose my issues and start a family. 132 months of getting my hopes up only to come crashing down. 4,015 days of begging God for a positive result that month. Today begins day 1 of our last try with Femara. While I am still hopeful that our story will have a “Happily Ever After” ending, I am already prepared for the negative result. We see our doctor on the 23^rd to determine what our next step is. What our final attempt will be. I like to think I put on a pretty good front of bravery regarding this whole subject but I think if you were to look into my eyes you would see the pain that is clearly there. I told a fellow IF friend today that maybe God’s will for me isn’t to have children but to be put in her life as a support person; as someone for her and our support group to all lean on. I am beginning to believe that the path I want for my life and the path He’s already chosen for me are two different ones. Maybe I truly was put here to just be a support for others while they go thru their pain, receive their miracles and rejoice in their baby’s births. But then again I don’t believe my God is mean so I can’t imagine He would want me to suffer this pain for so long to not be rewarded at the end.  I am truely at the end of my rope and a cross road on this path.  Regardless of where this next month or months depending on our next appointment takes us, I believe a piece of me is stronger for having gone thru all this. It would have been so easy to quit many times over the years…. but how do you give up on something when it’s all you’ve ever wanted??

Jethro and Joplin.....

The Joplin tornado took place 1 year ago today - May 22nd 2011. I remember where I was...sitting at a KU baseball game with Rich Greenway and Dawn Crump. What I didn't know was where Jethro was or even that he existed. Fast forward 2.5 months and a picture of a scared little dachshund shows up on the Joplin Humane Society page. It was a Saturday night and I wanted him so bad. My heart broke for the scared little puppy I saw. I learned he had been on the streets, then in the shelter 2 weeks prior to being caught. Every day I emailed until Thursday August 11th when the lady who wrote me back said "I can see how bad you want him. His name is Chase and I will hold him for you until Saturday". Rich thinks she just wanted me to stop emailing to see if he was available...lol. On August 13th - Goliath's 2nd birthday - we went and brought Jethro home. Yes, we changed his name- Chase seemed an awful name for a pup that had gone thru all that. From the beginning he was scared...clung to me in the back seat the whole 2 hours home. He slept for what seemed like 2 weeks straight. If you moved suddenly, he jumped. If you left a room, he followed but then would back out in front of you to keep his eyes on you. If you tried to pet him, he ran. After 9 months, Jethro has just realized that he likes belly rubs. He doesn't jump at every sudden move. He jumps in your chair to keep it warm when you leave the room. He loves to be pet but still not picked up. He smiles, gives the best air kisses and just wants to be loved. Jethro is still afraid of thunder storms, hates fire truck sirens and isn't fond of people walking up on him that he doesn't know. I don't know why nobody ever came to find him. In the beginning I was afraid to get too attached thinking someone would post that they were looking for him. We had several issues with the boys vs pillows and even an arm of Rich's chair (oops). We are pretty sure in addition to the trama of the tornado, he was abused based on how he acts sometimes. We had to go thru the potty training phase and the nibbling phase but it was all over quickly. Jethro knows where to go potty and he knows what treats, outside and good boy all mean. Jethro and Goliath are the best of friends now. Where one goes, the other follows. Jethro makes sure Goliath gets settled in his bed at night before coming to ours. He sleeps down at my feet or the back of my knees and makes his way up when a storm comes. They are never far away from momma. In fact, as I write this, Jethro is by my side and Goliath has made his way to sleeping behind me forcing me to the end of the couch. And you know what?? I wouldn't have it any other way!!

Jethro's picture at the Humane Society... so sad in the beginning

Jethro and Goliath.... happy boys!!

Mother's Day....

moth·er's dayNoun: A day of the year (In the US, the second Sunday in May) on which mother's are particularly honored.

Every day for the past 10 years I've dreaded the second Sunday in May.  Going out in public and people assuming just because you're female, although there are no children near you, that you are a mom and they should wish you a happy day.  I even stopped going out on this Sunday and started finishing everything the day before... that didn't help.  They started wishing early last year.  Now don't get me wrong- I love my mother, my mother-in-law, our sisters, our numerous family members and friends that are all moms and hope they have a wonderful Mother's Day...but for me; it is a painful reminder that another year has come and my arms are still empty.  Mother's Day should be for honoring all the trial's one has overcome to earn that title, the sacrifice and determination a woman has gone thru for her child.  Yet for an infertilite woman who makes all of her plans, dreams and hopes around a child not yet conceived, and who loves them even though they are not here; more than she ever believed - it is the hardest day of the year.  She appreciates and understands the miracle of life and what a blessing a child is, but that doesn't fill her empty arms and hurting heart.  Each day I have to find a way to cope, to suppress the tears, the anger, the hurt...each day I have to put one foot in front of the other and move on.  I owe that not only my family and myself but also to the child(ren) we will one day have. 
So this year when you're wishing a Happy Mother's Day to someone or accepting the wishes from a loved one and friends, I hope you truly understand what it means.  I hope you appreciate the honor you have been given in being a mom.  I say this because there are many of us out here that would give everything for just one day; just one "I love you mom"; just one Happy Mother's Day!

Just the facts....

Here are some fast facts on infertility according to the National Women's Health Resource Center (NWHRC):
-- Approximately 6.1 million couples in the United States, or 10 percent of all couples of childbearing age, have difficulty conceiving.
-- When no fertility problems are present, the average couple between ages 29 and 33 has about a 20 to 25 percent chance of becoming pregnant during any given menstrual cycle.
-- About one-third of infertility cases can be attributed to males, another third to females and the remaining third to both members of a couple. About 10 to 20 percent of infertility cases go unexplained, although these couples often later succeed in becoming pregnant.
-- Ovulation abnormalities and sperm deficiencies are the most common causes of infertility. Together, they are responsible for two-thirds of infertility problems.
-- About 15 percent of female infertility cases are the result of fallopian tube disease while irregular ovulation accounts for about 25 percent.
-- About 60 to 70 percent of women who have a laparoscopy as part of their infertility assessment are found to have endometriosis, a painful condition in which endometrial cells -- usually only found lining the uterus -- grow in other locations.
-- A 29-year-old woman has a 20 percent per month chance of getting pregnant -- compared to 7 percent for a woman at age 39.
-- In 85 to 90 percent of all cases, infertility is treated with either medication or surgery. Just 5 to 10 percent of infertility treatments involve in vitro fertilization or other kinds of assisted reproductive technologies, in which a laboratory is used to try to help a couple become pregnant.
-- There are about 600 reproductive endocrinologists (fertility specialists) in the United States, compared to 28,000 ob/gyns (obstetricians-gynecologists).
-- Women are most fertile during ovulation, which occurs around the 14th day of their menstrual cycle. However, the exact time of ovulation varies among women due to normal differences in cycle length.
-- After ovulation occurs, an egg remains viable for about 24 hours. Sperm, on the other hand, can live in a woman's reproductive tract up to 72 hours.
-- The sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) chlamydia and gonorrhea are the most important preventable causes of infertility, according to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC). If untreated, up to 40 percent of women with these conditions will develop pelvic inflammatory disease (PID), which can lead to infertility.
-- The number of children born as a result of assisted reproductive technologies is growing each year. In 2005, that number was more than 52,000 according to the CDC -- compared to 14,500 in 1996.


Read More http://www.ivillage.com/infertility-fast-facts/4-a-108204#ixzz1sjDwHDQo
Sign up for iVillage Special Offers

I'm Letting Go...........

It's been a little while since I've blogged but I guess that's because there isn't much that's happening on my end.  Well I'm back and want everyone to know I'm letting go!  No, I'm not of the dream of being a momma or of making my husband a dad but of thinking I can handle it all on my own. Of thinking that if I just wish on a star or a wishbone or be a good enough person that it will happen.  I realize now how silly that seems.  No matter how good of a person I am or how many wishes I send up, it isn't going to change the fact that it isn't His time!  What brought this on?  Well we had another "no" month but as my momma says- God isn't saying no, he's just saying not now.  So I keep looking forward to the next month in hopes our miracle will come.  This has been my process since October of last year....well actually it's been my process for the past 10 1/2 years.  I always say that I know in "His" time it will happen or that God will bless us when he is ready but I think something finally sunk in this last week.  My parents have been telling me to give it over to God and he will handle it how he seems fit.  I thought that I had done just that but something inside me woke up and I realized that while I can say I've been giving it to God, I haven't actually been able to let it go.  I want to fix what is wrong but I can't.  It's time I let go and let God!!  I am believing in miracles and that when He is ready for us to be parents, we will receive our blessing.  This was the first month that I didn't cry when I realized I wasn't pregnant.  Now that doesn't mean it didn't hurt, but I didn't cry.  I've decided that it's time for a change- a new outlook if you will.  God can handle the miracle part and I will take care of my body, get it healthy, take my meds and wait for his blessing. 

Is God saying no.........

I just read a statement on my Infertility Support Group page from another member that read: Yesterday, I had a conversation with a colleague... I told her I lost my faith. She told me that I can't lose faith -- "G-d always listens, but sometimes he says no."  I questioned my parents about this about a month ago when I was struggling with another negative home test.  Since that time I've come to realize that He isn't saying no....I think it's more like He's saying not now. I know it sucks, we've been at it 10.5 yrs now....but it's all in His time and not mine. It's what I have to keep believing. I know there is a reason and I know He has our child already picked out, natural or adoption, so I've handed it to Him and will just wait for His time. :) I wear a braclet from a new friend on this journey that says Believe in Miracles...I've been wearing it for about 6 months now and every time I feel we are alone, sad, discouraged, angry....I run my fingers over the words and just keep saying what my mom promised me to say.... "not this month but maybe next month". It took me a long time to realize it but some woman aren't born to be birth moms....some of us need to be the moms to those sweet babies that weren't wanted by their birth moms or by those that were unable to care for their little one and did the unselfish act of placing for adoption. The more I think about it the more I feel like maybe that is my destiny, maybe what He wants from me is to be the mom to a child that their birth mom couldn't be. Maybe you don't feel the same and that is ok, everyone has their own beliefs....but I just wanted to share my side.