Don’t ask me what I want for Christmas this year unless you truly want to know…….

For many years for me it has been the same routine at the holidays.  We wish on a wishbone at Thanksgiving, I ask Santa to bring us our miracle, I cry to God when it doesn’t happen.  I would really like it if this holiday season our wish were to come true.  It is the only thing I want for Christmas- truthfully I would never ask for another gift again.  To some it may sound crazy, to me it is everything.  What I want can’t even be packaged and wrapped in pretty paper and a bow.  All I want for Christmas is a positive pregnancy test; a chance to make my husband a daddy to our child.  All I want for Christmas is our miracle!  All I want for Christmas is to be a mom!!

I think after more then 10 years of “trying” we deserve to get our miracle.  We’ve waited long enough, we’ve cried enough tears, we’ve wished and prayed for our dream to come true for so long.  Yet here we still are.  I feel so empty inside.  I am a heartbroken woman, a childless mother.  This year my wish is different but in part still the same, I wish this emptiness would leave and that nobody would experience this pain.  I wish my dear friends traveling this journey with me didn’t have an understanding of the depth of the sadness I have inside.  I wish my emotions weren’t so visible lately. 

Give it all to God they tell me.  Lean on Him and He will get your through.  He never gives you more then you can handle.  I try, I have, I believe all those are true.  I just wish He didn’t trust me so much to carry this burden.  I just wish I finally knew what I was suppose to get out of all this heartache.  I believe there is a reason it all happens and that the plan is greater then me….but that doesn’t mean I have to agree with it.  Some say it will make us stronger moms because we fought so long and hard for it.  Others say we will truly know what love is because we felt it so deeply before we knew who to give it to.  I say I’m tired of wondering what it will feel like, I just want to know!

If I am to be honest at all I need to admit that this next year my wish is to have it all.  I want to experience all the highs and lows of pregnancy- morning sickness, the first kick, cravings, the first heartbeat, heartburn, see our bean on the screen, clothes that don’t fit, childbirth, having our miracle placed in our arms, seeing their beautiful eyes, hearing that newborn cry, feeling those tiny fingers wrap around mine, seeing the joy on my husbands face.  I want a baby shower so big attended by all those that have known our journey.  Yes, this Christmas I am asking for it all; I am going to be greedy. 

Questions

I sit here and wonder
Is it ever to be?
Will I get to display
The mother in me?
Wonder in time
How the story will end,
Will they just be for others-
The showers I attend.
When’s it my turn
I ask God each day,
The only answer I get
Is, “Not today”.
I ask only to know
What my future might be,
To plan and prepare
God, please tell me.
I just need to know
How long to be strong,
For sometimes I question
my strength to go on.
I sit here and wonder
Is it ever to be?
Will I get to display
The mother in me?

~Susan Reardon

2 Spoiled Dachshunds

**I wrote this blog 2 months ago but for some reason it never showed.  I am posting it now so you can enjoy as well.  Since such time, the love has only grown....and so has the spoiling**

Let me start by saying that while I know that "furbabies" don't replace the empty hole where a child should be, I have 2 and consider myself the momma of 2 dachshunds.  Goliath came to us 2 years ago at 7 weeks old weighing 2.7 lbs.  Jethro was a rescue from the Joplin tornado and has currently been with us 3 weeks today.  The vet estimates him being 2 to 2.5 years old.  We went with 2 yrs old and gave them both the same birthday- August 13th.  He weighs in at 12.4 lbs.  They weigh less then 22lbs total yet think they are much bigger and that they rule the world.  At least at our house.....they do!

Goliath stole our hearts the second we saw him.  This tiny boy saved me in ways I'll never be able to explain.  There was a period of 18 months when my husband worked opposite shifts from me and I think without Goliath here to keep me company, I would have gone insane with depression over the fact that I was alone in the house.  When Goliath got sick a few months back, it broke my heart.  I thought for sure I was losing him and I didn't want to think of what our lives would be like without him in the house.  In fact when we leave and go on vacation, it's always an emotional time for me to drop him at his "girl-friends" and return to an empty house.  No puppy loves, no kisses, no cuddles....for us it seems so unnatural. 

When my husband started working the same shift as me again we started feeling bad about leaving Goliath home alone for the day without any company.  This is when we decided to get him a friend.  We had searched for a good 6 months for the right "brother/sister" when we came across Jethro on Joplin's facebook page.  We drove the 2.5 hours to go get him after seeing such a sad looking pup in the picture they posted.  Jethro was found 5 weeks ago running the streets and the Humane Society started calling him Chance after the street he was found on (we like Jethro better).  We took Goliath to meet him as we knew it was ultimately Goliath's decision as it is Goliath's house.  :)

I rode in the back seat the 2.5 hours home and Jethro clung to my shoulder scared and shaking.  After about an hour I was able to get him on to the seat laying next to me but never removing a paw from my leg.  From that moment, I knew that he was going to need loving to bring him out of this scared shell.  Watching Goliath watch him was sad- it was almost like Goliath was trying to figure out what had happened to him in his life before us.  Sadly or maybe fortunately we will never know. 

When we got Jethro home we realized that not only was he a torando victim but was scared of people as well.  We can only assume someone use to beat the poor boy.  He would never walk behind us, always ahead and always backing out of the room so he wouldn't take his eyes off of us.  He found a spot on the couch and slept for days.  We are sure it was the first time in at least 3 weeks that we know of that he had a bed, dry shelter and quietness.  It took some time but his playfulness finally came about and Goliath and he were having the best of times.  In fact they have destroyed 2 pillows, 1 stuffed monkey, 1 stuffed flamingo, 1 stuffed puppy dog and today a body pillow.  The only time that seems to bother Goliath is when it's time for bed and Jethro beats him to sleeping next to momma...he's not really in to sharing me yet. 

We have been pad training inside for when we can't get them outside quick enough.  Goliath has used it for 2 years without problem. Jethro is an outdoor dog.  He dances when he needs to go out but has begun to use the pad unless he wakes from a nap and then he just pees where ever.  This has not made for a happy momma however after 3 weeks, he seems to finally understand where to go and that going in the right spot equals treats. 

Until yesterday I had kept Jethro at a distance in my heart which I know is wrong but I was afraid to get too attached incase he wasn't going to work with Goliath and we would have to rehome him.  I would like to think I wouldn't do that to children if we are ever blessed- but at a distance he remained.  Since the pups have decided that destroying things is fun, we baby gate them in the kitchen while we are gone.  Last night we went to a football game and when we returned, we knew right away things were bad.  There was diarrhea everywhere with blood in it.  We were not sure at first which pup it was so we got it all cleaned up and took down the baby gate and sat down with the dogs.  Then Jethro started pooping with blood again as well as throwing up.  He climbed into the bed in the kitchen and layed down which is not his norm.  I called the emergency vet and they said that we could either bring him to them (for near $100 plus test cost) or wait until our vet opened this morning to test for internal bleeding.  Sadly since we didn't know what to expect expense wise we had to wait however I decided to sleep in the living room with him incase he got sick again. 

Jethro fell asleep in the kitchen bed and Goliath fell asleep next to me on the couch.  About 30 mins later Jethro came to me.  He climbed up on me, layed on my legs, I covered him up and he fell asleep.  I felt his head which was warm and his little nose was no longer wet so I knew something was wrong.  I tried to sleep but was afraid if I did I would wake to find him have passed away in my lap.  I kept one hand on his heart which was beating slow and one on Goliath's to compare their beats.  Goliath was so sympathic to his brother and kept coming up and giving kisses and laying back down.  Jethro didn't move all night.  At 7am I got up for a drink and was preparing to get dressed and take him to the vet.  My husband came out of the room as Jethro jumped off the couch, went pee, ate food and started playing with Goliath.

My husband and I just looked at each other trying to understand what had just happened. This could not be the pup I had held in my lap all night preparing for him to pass.  Since then he has used the bathroom with no blood, ate, drank and has played as if nothing was wrong.  I called the vent anyway to see what they suggested and they told us to watch his next stool and if there was no blood in it, it was probably just a stomach bug; if there was blood, to bring him in asap. 

After thinking about it we are wondering if it could be the stuffing from one of their conquests that irritated his stomach.  Either way, he is now fine and both are taking a nap (momma took a 3 hour one as well).  After last night I realized that I love Jethro just as much as Goliath and could not imagine not having him here with us.  It is hard to realize that something so tiny could make such a huge impact in our lives so quickly. 

I tell you all this so that those that question our desire to have a child and question if we could feel love for a child that may be sick or hurting could stop wondering.  Our furbabies mean the world to us right now and while we know they do not compare to a child- for now, they are our babies.  We would do anything for these 2 pups just as we would do anything for a child. 

I am the momma of 2 spoiled rotten dachshunds and I would be lost without their love!

20 kids or Hoarding....

By now I'm sure most of you have heard that Michelle and Jim Bob Duggar are expecting.  Incase you aren't familiar with them, they are expecting not baby number 1, 2 or even 3 but baby NUMBER 20!  I, like most in my situation, have a strong opinion about this.  I respect their belief in their religion which is against any form of birth control but now we are talking about health issues.  Is it right of her to put not only baby J Duggar number 20 in danger but also herself?  She is high risk due to being 45 and let's face it...after 19 kids, it can't be very safe in there.  Their last child was born 3 1/2 months early and weighed barely over a pound!  Not to mention Michelle had preeclampsia which doesn't make future pregnancies easy.

Why am I sharing this?  This was a hot topic on the Infertility chat page on Facebook that I'm a part of.  Many in the IF world are outraged at her for many different reasons.  Some feel they can't possibly be decent parents to all current 19 children as there simply isn't enough time in the day to do so.  Some feel they can't show all 19 children the same amount of quality time and that the older siblings are being made to raise the younger ones.  Some feel that they've been blessed with 19 children already and are angered because they can't have one.  Some feel they are risking her life by having their 20th child which would leave 19 other children motherless if, God forbid, complications happened.  For me, I'm all over the place.  Currently I am relating them to the tv show Hoarders.  LOL!  I mean seriously, there are a lot of kids in that house.  On the show Hoarders they would remove that many animals if they were there.  Ok, ok so it's not the same thing.  But let's face it, there are a lot of children that need foster care or could be adopted in America alone that would love to benefit from a warm and happy home. They claim they have room for another child, then why not bless one of these less fortunate with a home?  I am also a bit jealous.  I have religion, I have faith, I believe in God....so why is someone blessed with 20 children when I can not be blessed with one?  Yes I am a little bitter and know it is wrong.  There is a reason we are on this path and I know I have to trust that when the time is right, God will show me why.  But that still doesn't mean I'm not human.  It doesn't mean I don't want what she's got.....ok, correction.....it doesn't mean I don't want a 1/20 of what she's got.

Another topic mentioned: what should happen if one of their children is discovered infertile?  Will that make them any less loved because God can't grant them the gift of a family?   How would this child be treated?  How would they feel?  Am I any less loved by God because He hasn't yet blessed me with children?  I have questioned God myself as to why I am in this situation when family members all around us are having babies left and right.  I feel like a failure for not being able to reproduce.  I can't imagine how a child from a family of 20 would feel if they were the only one unable to conceive.  Having faith and trusting in God doesn't mean you become perfect and have no issues.  It simply means that you have faith and trust in Him to eventually show the reasons behind the trials and path your life has gone on.  I have met some wonderful friends who I would not have met had I not gone thru this.  I would hate to think of my life without them during this trying time, however I would also be lying if I didn't admit that I wish I hadn't had to go on this journey and would have met them a different way.

I have come to terms with the fact I may never conceive, or at least for today I have.  Now if you ask me tomorrow, I may give you a different answer but for today, I am ok.  I have started yet  another round of Femara and we are hoping for our Christmas miracle this month.  Only time will tell.  But should I not become pregnant, we will survive.  We will move forward and look at adoption and what it involves.  I believe in my heart that I was born to be a mother.  And because of my religion and faith, I believe that my child has already been determined by God and is an angel waiting to be "appointed" to us.  Now we just have to wait to see who was choosen to be our miracle.

Then call me crazy

Another pregnancy announcement yesterday…….two of them actually and one the day before.  I can no longer tell if I’m jealous, mad, happy or what- I truly just feel numb!  Depending on the person I have mixed emotions.  For my “sisters” in the IF world, I understand their caution to tell us and yet the joy they must feel inside has to be bursting at the seems to get out.  Each of us have faced our own struggles and years of heartache in this subject.  I am so happy for my IF family whom get their miracle but at the same time, I want to scream “why not me, why not us”?  Lately I’ve had more and more dreams of a child of our own, each one more vivid then the last.  Each one waking me with a headache and tears.  They seem so real I can feel the child in my arms.  Could I be losing my mind?!?!  Am I imagining these symptoms that can’t possible be there?  Heartburn, headaches, tired all the time, sick to my stomach…. or could it finally be something more?  Dare to hope, dare to set myself up for disappointment, dare to break our hearts yet again.  To quote Albert Einstein “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results”.  Are we insane for trying 10 years repetitively for a child and praying for a positive every month??  I feel like everything is moving slow and spinning out of control at the same time.  I just want to be a mom.  Why is that an impossible feat for some?  What have I done so horrible in my life that I would be cursed with this.  I’ve been told not to stress, not to worry, not to think about it…..easier said than done because for 10 years, it’s all I’ve thought about.  Each time I POAS and see a BFN I’m reminded of the failure.  Today is day 23 of my cycle- can I make it to Monday without an AF sighting?  I am so use to the disappointment of a BFN  that I’m not sure what the excitement of a BFP would have in store of us.  Part of me thinks that screaming it for the world to hear would be a great start while the rest of me would want to keep it to ourselves.  So many people have come into our lives during this journey and for those that stayed, I feel we owe it to them when (if) the time arises.  But that is all putting the cart before the horse…..for now I must focus on me and remaining calm and healthy so if we ever get our little bean, it too can remain healthy and safe.  I guess what I’m saying is that if being insane means doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results- then call me crazy!